What I’ve Learned From All the Fathers in My Life

When I think of fatherhood, I look at it from four different perspectives. I view fatherhood through the lenses of a daughter, a sister, a co-parent, and a wife. And although I witness and experience the beauty of fatherhood in different ways from each perspective, the ending thought is always the same. Fathers are essential! Fathers are just as important as mothers. Although I have always believed that becoming an adult and having children of my own has validated that belief even more. 

As a child, I knew early that my father, like everyone, had vices. The environment and circumstances in which he grew up, were not the most ideal. I understand now that a lot of his actions were trauma responses that stemmed from his childhood and were used as ways to cope. Although I did not understand that growing up, I somehow knew not to set unrealistic expectations for my dad. I knew that he was doing the absolute best that he could. I grew up in a two-parent household and I just appreciated the fact that he was there. I always had a soft spot for him. Even in times when I knew he was wrong, I felt bad for him. I rarely focused on his faults and appreciated the positive things that he did. There was not a time in my life when I did not see my dad working. He would wake up at 4 am and go to work every day. He would fix things around the house, kill bugs for me, wash the cars, and shovel the snow, but would still cook dinner and fold clothes when need be. He was always present for every graduation, every performance, my proms, my wedding, and every other life-changing event. My dad was never reluctant to tell his children how much he loved them and he would always give us a good laugh, whether he intended on being funny or not. As I got older, I realized that growing up with my dad in my home, although he was not perfect, was actually a privilege. 

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Having children of my own has unlocked a new appreciation of fatherhood for me. Co-parenting has helped me understand the difficulties a lot of dads may experience when trying to father to their children while living in two separate households. It has become important to me as a mother to understand this and compromise as much as possible with my co-parent for the sake of our child. Because I understand that fathers are important, I never deny my co-parent the right to have the same amount of access to our child as I do. Because I have witnessed and experienced the pain of an absent father through my first child, I appreciate every effort my son’s father makes to remain present, active, and consistent in our son’s life. While I admit, things have not always been sunshine and roses, we both have matured and have been able to co-parent effectively. As a mom, I had to also realize that co-parenting is not about control. I realize that my son’s father does not have the same parenting styles as I do. However, that does not make him incompetent and that does not call for me to micromanage our son’s time with him. Communication goes a long way and as long as our son is safe and happy with him, there is no complaint from me. My son loves his dad and I appreciate the bond they have. 

My husband has got to be one of the best fathers that I know. He was an amazing single dad before we got married, became the most awesome stepdad to my children, and was so supportive throughout my difficult pregnancy with our daughter. Witnessing and experiencing fatherhood through the lens of a wife has got to be one of the most fulfilling things ever. I get to witness the ups, downs, struggles, and joys of fatherhood as a black man. I am honored to be my husband’s support and backbone throughout his fatherhood journey. Witnessing him struggle with a high-conflict co-parent is deeply heartbreaking. To see him sacrifice and provide so much, and have his children used as weapons by his co-parent to hurt him, is unfortunate. I have witnessed my husband go from being a single dad with primary custody of his two boys, to building a blended family, buying a house, and providing a better life for all of us. He is one of the most hands-on fathers that I know. He does doctor and dentist visits, school conferences, and homework with the children. He has spent thousands in lawyer fees just to ensure that he is able to maintain a healthy relationship with his boys without the negative influence of their mother. He has fought tooth and nail in a court system that was not really designed to operate in his favor, just to make sure that all of his efforts were not going unnoticed. Not only that, he has treated my children like they are his own. He doesn’t use the term “step-children,” he views them as just his children. He supported me so much during my pregnancy with our daughter. He will work hard all day, but will still come home and help me with the kids, and even help prepare dinner. I honestly don’t know how I would be able to function without him. 

I am thankful for all the fathers in my life. Fathers are needed and I appreciate every last one of them. I am confident in saying that my life would not be the same without any of them.

Here are some tips for anyone struggling with a relationship with their father, co parent, or husband.

1. Honesty and communication is a great way to start to rebuild a relationship with your father/co-parent. In order for change can begin, you have to spell out clearly the things that are not working. 
2. Understand that not all men were given the best example and some were not taught how to be fathers. Offer grace, appreciate and support the ones that are trying.
3. Fathers are important and all children deserve a consistent dad in their life. Know that by supporting consistent fathers, you are also benefitting the children. Sometimes differences may make this difficult, but it is always for the best interest of the children.
4. Realize that a difference in parenting styles are okay. As long as mom and dad communicate, are on the same page and the child/children are safe and happy, let daddy do his thing.

Happy Father’s Day to all the amazing dads out there!