Tips to Navigate Your First Blended Family Holiday Season

The Thanksgiving and Christmas season is upon us, and families are preparing to reconnect with loved ones over hearty food, music, and fun. With the lingering presence of COVID-19, most families will focus on safety and comfort which will affect the amount of people they will invite and where they will gather. For blended families, it is always an extra step involved with or without a pandemic. Children typically spend alternating holidays with their parents depending on the arranged schedule that year. 

In my experience, our blended family consistently struggled with: 

• The arranged schedule being followed

 

• The location and time of the meeting point
 
• The nature of our interaction (based on how well we were getting along at the time)

 
No one wanted to have a ruined holiday spirit.

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Our first official blended holiday took place just three months after exchanging our vows in December 2010. Although I cannot remember all the details from that Christmas, memories of my 7-year-old stepson in his Christmas pajamas while making homemade chocolate chip cookies stuck with me. Before falling asleep on the couch between my husband and I, he watched classic Christmas movies as he enjoyed a glass of cold milk to wash down the warm cookies. When he awoke the following morning, his eyes were wild with excitement as he opened gifts both big and small before sitting down for breakfast with me and his father. His animated reactions to the carefully selected gifts warmed my heart.

With visitation every other weekend, not only was my husband eager to spend this day with his son, but so was his family. In the past years, we would have begun our day over at my mother-in-law’s house for breakfast with my husband’s siblings, exchange gifts and battle each other at “Just Dance” on the Wii for hours. This past year, we joined them in time for the gift exchange and the dance battles. At the time, my stepson was the only grandchild, so he was spoiled with gifts by his Nana, aunts, and uncle. This tradition created priceless memories for him especially as the family grew over time. We always ended the night at his great aunt’s house with more family and a Southern style spread. 

Here are some takeaways for a successful holiday:

• Plan and communicate. Of all the holidays on the calendar, the ones that brought stress and frustration to our family were Thanksgiving and Christmas. My husband’s family had always been eager to celebrate holidays and they wanted their entire family to be present. As a result, planning was crucial for my husband and I since they were always asking whether my stepson would be with us or his mother that year. Once we confirmed the schedule with her, we would then communicate that to everyone else. In our arrangement, my stepson alternated Thanksgiving each year but spent Christmas Eve with one parent and Christmas day with the other parent. Once he got older, we agreed to switch to one parent keeping him both Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. Now that he is eighteen, he can choose where to spend the holidays as he sees fit with no pressure from any parents involved. Communication was necessary for these arrangements to work and can vary depending on each blended family’s situation, traditions, and religious preferences. There were times early on that we had no set plans or preferences for a holiday that we would often exchange with my stepson’s mother for the one we wanted that year and/or a different event.

 

• Create your own memories and traditions. Fight the urge to compete with the other parent! Holiday time with your child should not include copying or competing with the other household. It is an extremely unhealthy co-parenting practice that could be expensive and counters authenticity. Always give from your heart because that is where the real joy is found. We willingly overspent that year because it was our first Christmas as a married couple, and it was our first official blended holiday together. It was important to us to have my stepson benefit from each household’s uniqueness so whatever was done during his time with us became our memories and tradition. Instead of trying to mirror Christmas at his mother’s house, we adjusted our activities to match the things we enjoyed as a family like watching old Christmas movies, listening to Christmas music, and baking cookies.

 

• Respect space and quality time. Keep the disruptions to a minimum to allow your child to experience quality time with the other parent. Over the years, we expected my stepson’s mother to call on Christmas day just to see how his day was going and to ask about the presents he received. Now this is mild compared to if she had incessantly called throughout the day or showed up to where we were celebrating. However, on the holidays my stepson was not with us, my husband would call to check in and his mother would purposely stay on the phone to hear the conversation. Too often, she would respond to questions meant for my stepson and it disrupted their father-son time. These calls were very invasive which prompted my husband to cut them short and to address this issue with her. He just wanted to speak with his son uninterrupted. Unfortunately, this did not change, and my husband eventually reduced the number of calls to avoid frustration. 

Fortunately for us, times have changed due to therapy and maturing perspectives. Once we focused solely on the needs of my stepson and moved past our individual drama, we were able to ensure he experienced a joyful holiday despite who he was with. When our desire to create a healthy co-parenting relationship superseded our desire to be right, then we were finally on the preferred path. For us, it took 12 years to get to where we are now and truthfully, we regressed many times in our attempt to co-parent effectively. However, it did not stop us from pushing forward because we were all committed to raising a mature, responsible, healthy (emotionally and mentally) black boy. 

Both households now exchange thoughtful gifts for adults and kids and my stepson’s mother has become an important person to my children. A few years ago, we attended a “friendsgiving” at her home along with her partner and friends. When we first received the invitation, we hesitated because trying anything new is always scary and uncomfortable, but we were welcomed to partake with them without tension or mention of past conflicts. This year would be the first holiday season where my stepson will decide how to split his time with both households without any pressure. For Thanksgiving, he has decided to float between both households so he can have a little of everything on his plate, but Christmas will be spent with his father’s side in Maryland. Next year, it may change, and we will remain open to a new schedule as our family continues to grow.