Did you know there are more than 1,500 dating apps on the market trying to help you find love or companionship? Over 323 million people use dating apps or dating sites worldwide. So, with that much access to meeting your potential partner, why is finding the one so hard? Perhaps, you are attracting the wrong suitors because your dating profile does not reflect what you actually want. In fact, your profile could be attracting everything you do not want.
I had the chance to speak to the Love Expert Francesca Hogi who’s appearing at Black Love Summit (so get your questions ready!) about how to perfect your dating profile. As a recovering corporate lawyer and Season 26 “Survivor” contestant, Francesca’s unique life experiences help clients get results and find true love.
Was participating in “Survivor” easier than dating?
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How did you get into love coaching? Was there a specific event that led you there?
It was kind of a combination of events. I had a long love journey. I was really intentional about teaching myself how to date and teaching myself how to connect, understanding what I actually needed in a relationship, like developing those relationship skills. That was something I did very intentionally and more so than anybody else I knew. Like, all my friends were just dating or not or married or not. Like, I was the one who was, like, a scientist about it. I’m going to figure this out. And I was a lawyer in my previous career, and I always knew that I didn’t want to practice law forever. And it took me a long time to figure out, well, what is that next thing? I knew that I loved working with people. I knew that I wanted to do something that would actively make people’s lives better. And then I wound up hearing about a black male matchmaker named Paul Brunson. Are you familiar with Paul Brunson?
Absolutely. He’s in England right now with his family.
Oh, great! Well, this was, like, maybe 2013 or 2014. I was at a 4th of July barbecue, and I started talking to this woman, and she was like, oh, yeah, there’s this Black male matchmaker that I follow on Twitter. And I was like, what, who? When I found out about Paul, I started following him. And one day he tweeted that he was going to be speaking at the Matchmaking Institute conference in New York. I responded to his tweet, and I said, I want to come. And he said, you should come. I went and met him and a bunch of other matchmakers. I realized that they’re just regular people whose job it is to help people find love. And I just thought, I can’t imagine a more rewarding thing to do, so I’m going to do that.
What are your thoughts on online dating?
Online dating is an amazing tool. If you are serious about meeting somebody in this day and age, then you should be online. Unless you are a person who is really good at meeting potential partners who meet your criteria offline.
However, online dating does not work for most people. It works for some people, but it does not work for most people because they are terrible at it. So when you are online and you don’t have the right mindset or the right strategy, the chances of you being successful in finding a committed relationship are much less. The people who are successfully meeting people online take responsibility for how they are showing up, who they are connecting with, and how they are connecting. They do not get sucked into a lot of distractions. They do not get sucked into playing the superficial game, which is what a lot of people are playing online. So like I said, it’s an amazing tool, but you still have to use it correctly.
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In your opinion, does the perfect online dating profile exist?
Oh, absolutely. It’s not hard to write a great profile. I have a formula. Would you like me to teach it to you?
Yes, please!
This advice is for somebody looking for a relationship. You should have between three and six photos. Your first photo should be a headshot picture of you. I don’t mean a professional image; it should show your head and shoulders with you looking into the camera and smiling. It should be clear and well lit, without any filters on it. And it should be recent and have energy that is inviting.
Your second photo should be a full body photo of what you look like today. After that you can mix it up with photos of your choice. In terms of your profile, it should contain five elements: 1. This is who I am. 2. This is how I live my life and what I care about. 3.This is who I hope to meet. 4. This is an example of something that I’m looking to experience with that person. 5. This is why you should contact me. And you can do that in five sentences.
Be specific about yourself, because you really want to put yourself in the mindset of when the kind of person that I want to meet is a good match for me reads this, they are going to be like, oh, damn, this person sounds like a great match for me! You want to stand out to that person. You do not want to stand out to everybody else. That is just a waste of your time. Again, you want to be specific there.
What should not go on your dating profile?
The biggest thing that you should not include in your profile is anything that you do not want. There are a lot of people that share who they do not want to meet, instead of sharing what they want and who they want to meet. For example, they share that they do not want anybody who does not have a job or who is under a certain height. Think about the people that say they do not want drama. I promise you their life is nothing but drama. And yours will be too, if you choose to engage.
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Should single people create a profile on every dating app to increase their chances of finding The One?
It is all about quality. I say two apps maximum at a time because otherwise you are more likely to get overwhelmed and not give any of your suitors your real attention and focus because you are too busy going back and forth. Having a whole bunch of different apps reinforces this mindset that you have to search and you have to hunt and you have to do all this work to find love, when actually love is the most abundant thing in the world and it is just about removing the barriers so it can just happen effortlessly in your life.
What can people do to prepare themselves for love?
I think first is understanding that you are always a co-creator in all of your relationships. To prepare yourself for love, think about what is the kind of relationship that you want to have and start there. Usually people start with the person they want to be with — but, when you start there, you are making a lot of assumptions that you need to be with somebody with a certain criteria.
You have to take responsibility for being the version of yourself or growing into the version of yourself who is able to co-create the relationship that you want to have. So it is going to be different for everyone, but people have to be willing to look at themselves and without judgment, with real compassion and say, what do I need to work on here? How can I do this a little bit better so I can actually experience the love that I want?
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To learn more about Francesca Hogi follow her on Instagram, listen to her podcast Dear Franny, and don’t miss her in person at Black Love Summit moderating the panel How Do You Know on knowing your worth and evaluating compatibility! Get your tickets to attend here!
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