Gratitude is the Attitude: Remember Your Vows

As I sat there in my seat, I felt like I was about to have a panic attack. My palms were sweating, my heart was racing, and my stomach was turning. My now wife and I were at a poetry event in Cleveland called The PIA Tour, and I planned to ask for her hand in marriage. Everything was already set up, and she didn’t have a clue.

By |2025-05-27T09:26:28-07:00April 3, 2020|Marriage & Partnership|0 Comments

Our Story: Roderick & Cherise

Credit: Cherise Miller The year was 1995. The place was Tougaloo College. We met on a “he wants to meet you but hasn’t said anything” type of vibe. Just a few weeks after learning his interest in me, I approached Rod when I noticed him sitting outside of the library. He will tell you I was quite bold in my approach. On the other hand, I remain true to the situation being a very humble introduction of myself. What we can both agree on is right there in that moment we instantly clicked.   Before our meeting, he spotted me walking from the financial aid office wearing a sundress, an anklet and exuding “The Last Dragon” glow. He said that moment solidified it all as he thought to himself, I was going to be his wife. I was clueless to his proclamation, but yet I was quietly enjoying the late-night conversations about religion, politics, family, and poetry. A few months passed, and we became a safe place to land for each other. However, since I was committed to someone back home, he respected the boundaries of our relationship to fully express his heart's deepest desire. EXCEPT for this one time…  One night cemented our deep love for each other without us even knowing. I allowed Rod to sneak upstairs into my all girl’s dorm room, and we stayed up all-night talking for hours. We shared poetry, and he sang Luther Vandross songs while massaging my soul. I felt safe in my vulnerability with him, and he also felt safe with me. What a night!  It's important to mention that Rod and I never shared any physical intimacy while in college. Not even that night of soul massaging. Time passed, and trauma erupted in Detroit, which prompted me to transfer to Eastern Michigan University to be closer to my family. A few years after our initial meeting and my departure from Tougaloo, I received a letter that would later change the scope of what I envisioned for my husband.   Rod poured his heart out to me, and I didn't respond until nearly three years later. Six years after his secret proclamation and two and a half years after I became a mom to Isaiah. After many years apart, I missed my old friend. But once we reconnected via letters and a few phone calls, he flew to Detroit to visit me and meet my son Isaiah.  When Rod exited the plane, he smelt like Frankincense and myrrh essential oils. My heart skipped a beat toward my forever friend and soon to be the love of my life. It was clear at that moment this was the "He" I'd written about in my poetry. The one I prayed for and who proclaimed his undying love for me in that letter I received in 1997. This was the "He" who promised himself that if ever given another chance, he wouldn't let me get away. With time finally, on our side, we were indeed ready for love!  Growing up, neither of us had blaring examples of what love and a successful marriage were, so we weren't necessarily shopping for a spouse in college. Early on, we experienced challenges resulting from Isaiah, and I moving to Richmond from Detroit. During this time, I felt I couldn’t be myself in communicating differences of opinion without being accused of being cold or dismissive. But I have come to understand the complexities of stress brought about by Rod giving up the freedoms of being a poetic single free bird and becoming a married father and leader of his family.  Because of the obstacles we previously faced, we now understand what doing the work means to sustain a healthy marriage. We understand to have a happy, functional family with a close connection for generations to come; we must do the ‘work.’ We know that our marriage takes a conscious commitment to avoid getting caught up in the day to day requirements of adulting with children. But each day, we're continuing to learn that we must consistently invest in our relationship to remain connected as a solid unit and foster a lasting love. Reflections by @cutslikeagirl

By |2025-03-26T15:35:06-07:00March 23, 2020|Stories|0 Comments

What Is The Most Surprising Thing About Being Married?

We asked the staging-blacklove.kinsta.cloud community, “What’s the most surprising thing about being married?” Here’s what you had to say. In today’s society, so much attention is paid to marriage prep.  From the celebrations –– the engagement, the bridal shower, bachelor and bachelorette parties, and the ever-important wedding, to the work –– pre-marriage counseling, pre-engagement counseling, and endless advice sessions from friends and family, couples are doing their best to equip themselves for the everlasting “I Do.” But no matter how prepared one might be, there are always some surprises after “happily ever after.”

By |2025-05-27T09:26:48-07:00February 20, 2020|Marriage & Partnership|0 Comments

Staying Sexually Attracted to Your Spouse: 4 Couples Share How They Navigate Weight Gain, Health Issues and So Much More

Many married couples deal with dying passion and a loss of physical attraction. So, what’s the secret to staying attracted to your spouse for the long haul? staging-blacklove.kinsta.cloud contributor Raquelle Harris spoke to four couples to find out!

By |2025-01-23T02:30:06-08:00February 1, 2020|Black Love Series|0 Comments

Can You Build a Happy Marriage if You’ve Never Seen One?

The first time I sat on my therapist’s couch, she asked me “So, what are you here to work on?” Outside of my recent adjustment from college to the real world, my biggest priority was love. Knowing that fatherhood and building a family were two life goals I was firm on, I told her that I wanted to figure out how to build a long-lasting relationship. Up until therapy I only loosely understood how to navigate sexuality in a conservative southern state, much less, how to spend the rest of my life with someone. And although I understood monogamy wasn’t the only way, it was my way, and I was okay with that. My fear, however, was that I had never gotten the chance to exist among long-term relationships or healthy marriages, so how was I to build something I’d never seen before? Could I hope for a successful marriage when I didn’t know what it looked like? My family solidified my love and respect for women. Out of the seven women who played a role in my upbringing, six of them were single mothers or widows. I was able to see firsthand the absolute magic that exuded from these women when faced with adversity, and I strive every day to embody that for myself. On the flipside, this upbringing created gaps in other areas of my experience, specifically romantic relationships. There was a time in third grade or so that my mom introduced me to her friend “Charles,” but before I could understand what was really going on, sis had to cut him loose (#NoneOfMyBusiness). This experience felt so far from the experience of friends and classmates whose entire existence occurred around a marriage. They saw affection and intimacy up close and personal morning, noon, and night, not just on movies and television shows. How could I replicate that experience? How could I find a husband and build a lifelong partnership when I was at such a disadvantage? Hint: I wasn’t at a disadvantage. Since I can remember, I’ve always been pushed to never settle for misunderstanding. My philosophy is: when the answers are all around you, you find them, you don’t sit in confusion and twiddle your thumbs. So, I would compulsively study and observe the things around me and analyze my experiences to understand how to close this “gap” in my upbringing. Over time it meant that I would look closely at the relationships of family and friends, get a degree in communication, become generally obsessed with all things related to interpersonal communication, and prioritize my spiritual growth. In that time, what I found was that the disadvantage I thought I was working against was actually irrelevant.  The fact that I didn’t grow up in a two-parent home or surrounded by successful marriages was going to make no difference to my own relationships as long as I maintained a certain level of self-awareness. As a matter of fact, it may have helped me. That entire time I was convinced that the answers to my problem could be found in successful marriages. I thought for sure that they had the secret sauce of how to live happily ever after, but the only thing I learned was that there is no secret sauce and there is no one answer. Actually, it showed me that the way you build a successful partnership is by first understanding yourself. I’ve witnessed relationships and partnerships go to the wayside, and sometimes even wondered if the people who grew up around successful marriages were working too hard to recreate what they had seen as opposed to building something new. See, what I took away from everything that I had worked to understand was that marriage is about two people coming as whole (not partial) individuals into a partnership. It’s not enough to recreate what you’ve seen, you must get comfortable with the idea of building something you’ve never seen before.  I had convinced myself that marriage was something that happened to you, and my lack of luck in relationships meant that I was just going to try and try again until marriage happened to me. Then I realized, that’s not how any of this works.

By |2025-05-27T09:27:01-07:00January 25, 2020|Fatherhood, Parenting|0 Comments
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