Couple in bed (Photo courtesy of Rawpixel.com)
Couple in bed (Photo courtesy of Rawpixel.com)
Couple in bed (Photo courtesy of Rawpixel.com)
Sexual trauma can feel debilitating because many are dealing with a multitude of emotions that encompass anger, confusion, and having to navigate how to cope. However, sex and intimacy can be enjoyed even after sexual trauma. The healing journey can sometimes have more ups and downs than a rollercoaster but, that does not mean your sexuality and confidence cannot be reclaimed as you navigate through the motions. Having a great sex life is not about ignoring what happened or pretending like you’re okay. It is about setting boundaries and reclaiming your power as you go through your journey.
At the age of 15 I was sexually assaulted by an 18-year-old man who was a friend of a friend and was again assaulted by a friend when I was 19-years-old. I buried these memories very far in the back of my mind. In fact, I had convinced myself that it did not happen the way I thought it did. I thought it was a “man being a man” (whatever that means) and I needed to “suck it up” and blamed myself for acting like a “fast” teenage-girl.
Prior to confronting the memories of these traumatic events, I found myself in toxic relationships and situations where I was not valued. I was constantly spoken down to, gaslit, and eventually started talking down to myself. This led to me becoming very insecure as an individual which then permeated into my sex life. From either criticizing my body or my performance and having high’s and low’s when it came to my sexual desires, I experienced it all. Here are common signs of denial and avoidance when it comes to sexual assault.
Signs of Denial and Avoidance:
- Convincing yourself “it wasn’t that bad”
- Doubting if things really happened the way you know it did
- Hypersexuality (trying to sex it away to prove that you’re ok)
- Hyposexuality (major lack of sexual desire)
- Disassociation with the memory
- You tell yourself you were misleading with your actions and appearance
- Ignoring a person’s toxic behaviors in order to feel temporarily valued
Sometimes it feels like it is easier to try to ignore what really happened. Acknowledgement, for most, means having to relive the very situation that brings us back to a dark place. Being honest with where you are in your journey is one of the first steps in taking action to owning your sexuality and confidence again. I encourage you to take the steps to show yourself grace, forgiveness, and learning how to feel empowered. What helped me reclaim my power was being honest with myself about what was holding me back from healing.
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Here are some tips you can take along with you on your journey that can help keep your sex life alive and well:
Identify Your Triggers
Identifying what your triggers are helps you pinpoint what causes certain reactions. This gives you the ability to communicate and set boundaries with what you need your current or future partner to be aware of and stay away from. Sometimes the fear of getting triggered is enough to put a damper on what could’ve been a great sexual encounter.
Get to Know Yourself Again: Self-Dating
You know the past you, the current you, but do you know the future you is waiting to make your acquaintance? Take yourself out or stay in for the night, do your favorite activities, and challenge yourself to do the things you may have thought of doing but never tried. This time can be used to re-discover what makes you happy, re-evaluate your values, deal breakers, and discover new hobbies. Being alone with your thoughts with no pressure of entertaining someone else can help you become more comfortable with your own presence, before welcoming another.
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Reframing Your Mind
It may sound cliché but, learning to speak life into yourself daily helps with your confidence. Naturally, we tend to focus on the things we do not like about ourselves especially when that is what we are used to, while rarely giving credit to what we love. What you focus on expands; take the time to focus on the good and reframe any self-deprecating thoughts and language towards yourself.
Self-Exploration
Practice getting to know those intimate parts of yourself again. This looks different for everyone. It is not about how quickly you can start having sex again nor is it about reaching an orgasm (if it leads to that great!). Self-exploration is about getting comfortable with the intimate parts and the areas you feel were violated for yourself both mentally and physically.
Having a great sex life after a traumatic event is possible. The road is not the same for everyone so it is important to take those steps that are most comfortable for you and gives you the ability to deal with your emotions in the healthiest way. Take your time, process, and do all the things that feel good for you. You deserve it.
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Hey y'all - I'm Coco, The Conversational Freak, your intimate health and behavior coach, and I've unfortunately witnessed too many women suffer in silence, struggle with body positivity, and deal with the daily nuances of being a woman
From luxurious candles that fill the room with warmth to thoughtful gadgets that keep the connection strong, these products are designed to enhance those intimate moments.
Courtesy of pexels.com A couple’s sex life is one of the most important aspects to a healthy successful relationship. The act blends the mind and the body — the physical and the emotional — into one. It brings people, especially those in a relationship built off of trust and love, closer together. Since sex plays such an essential role in love and marriage, the downs of sexual desire can be daunting. When the once highly anticipated act in a relationship becomes more of a responsibility, it can put a damper on the overall experience. However, it’s important to know that having a low sex drive at any given point is not abnormal. “A low sex drive is basically you do not have as much interest in sex as you may have once had, … so a low sex drive is relative to you and your experience,” says Dr. Donna Oriowo, a sex and relationship therapist. “There's always going to be ebbs and flows in the ways that we experience our sexual desire and our libido.” Related Articles: Been Married For Years and Hit a Sexual Plateau? Consider These Tips It’s Possible! I Rekindled My Sex Life in My 30-Year Relationship The Ultimate List of Intimacy-Boosting Products for Couples External factors, such as eating habits and stress levels, all contribute to the ebbs and flows of your sex drive. Oriowo tells Black Love that these factors play into sexual response cycles, specifically William Masters and Virginia Johnson four-stage linear model. From data they collected, they found that the four stages of human sexual response are excitement, plateau, orgasm and resolution. In 1979, Helen Kaplan took it a step further, adding desire as the first stage. Oriowo says that if people experience a successful cycle and a good resolution that will increase their desire and sex drive. However, when they have a poor experience, often influenced by those hidden external factors, it can contribute to the low sex drive. In agreement with Oriowo, licensed marriage and family therapist Rabiia Ali says that when it comes to sex, everything is connected. “When one part of it is off, everything can be off,” Ali tells Black Love. “If you are experiencing stressful situations, you may not have the capacity to be able to even feel sexual or physical sexual feelings, and that definitely could impact your sex drive.” The status of your mental, physical and emotional health outside of the bedroom impacts the experience you may have within it. If you are experiencing a low sex drive, these five things may be secretly interfering with your bedroom experience. Stress Courtesy of Canva.com Stress is prevalent in the Black community, with people reporting experiencing stress at a higher rate than their white counterparts. In today’s political and social climate, people are more stressed than ever. “One of the biggest things that goes into a low self sex drive is how we're feeling,” Oriowo tells Black Love. “Now, people are experiencing more stress than they have ever experienced before. It makes sense because people are having less sex than they have ever had before.” Low Self-Esteem The way that you feel about yourself plays a major role in your performance in the bedroom. With society’s unattainable beauty standards, it’s easy to put pressure on yourself to look a certain way. Sex requires you to be in your most vulnerable state with your partner. If you are not comfortable in your looks and your own skin, you can shy away from it. Low self-esteem and confidence may be the cause of your low sex drive. Diet The foods that you eat and the amount of water you consume plays a pivotal role in your sexual performance. Alcohol, along with other drugs, could also negatively impact your sex drive. “When clients are coming in and they're saying that they are not having strong orgasms, or they're not able to get erect, one of the first things I ask them about is their water consumption and their diets,” Oriowo says. “Eat what you normally eat, and add in foods that are high in antioxidants [and that] help with blood flow.” Courtesy of Unsplash.com Lack of Interest A good sexual experience combines an emotional connection with an intense physical attraction. If you have a lower sex drive with your partner, one reason could be that you are no longer interested in them. When the connection that you are experiencing with your partner is diminishing or is lost, it can be difficult to maintain an active sex life. Fatigue When you come home after a long day of work and complete all of your household chores, you may be exhausted. Without the proper amount of rest and relaxation, your body won’t be in the best position to perform in the bedroom. Make sure to get between seven and nine hours of sleep a night. Adults who sleep less than 7 hours may have more health issues, including low sex drive.
