Ev’Yan Whitney
Ev’Yan Whitney
Ev’Yan Whitney
Sexuality doula, sex educator, and sensualist Ev’Yan Whitney, shares daily online about sexual liberation defined on your own terms. But a little over a decade ago, she was much like the clients she’s helped, on a journey to discovering her sexuality while processing an immense amount of sexual shame (in part from her religious upbringing where at eight years old, she was asked to sign a purity contract.)
“I was at a place in my life where I was in this really great relationship. We were really in love and had all kinds of attraction but sex wasn’t coming easily for me,” said Whitney. “There’s a lot of fear, shame, and baggage around sexuality so I did what most people do, went to the book store to see what books I could find. Unfortunately, the books were not only not helpful but they weren’t written by Black folks. I didn’t see myself mirrored in these books and the sexual issues that they were discussing didn’t resonate with me. No one was driving deep into the nuances of sexual shame, it was more so like if you’re struggling to have sex try this warming lube.”
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That moment of frustration sparked her interest to chronicle her own sex journey through a blog called Sex, Love, and Liberation. “Naturally as a writer, I started the blog and people found resonance with my story. They saw themselves through my own story and from there this work began.” Years later, Yvan is now a leader in the sexual liberation space, wellness educator, and the author of her new book sensual self-helping women, femme, and non-binary people reimagine sexual freedom.
Black Love: Would you say that your sexual shame is attached to your experiences growing up?
Ev’Yan: When I was dealing with the sexual disconnection and inability to even have sex, I thought something was medically wrong with me because the books I was reading was just like “sex is natural everyone has sex and if you’re having issues you need to talk to a doctor.” There weren’t a lot of layers of the nuances of why I was experiencing these things. The deeper I went into this work, it was revealed to me that there was so much more to this issue than I thought.
Looking back at the way I was raised in the church, there was so much squelching of the sexuality of young girls and a lot of talk about abstinence. This idea that I am supposed to abstain abstain abstain and the moment I get married all of the sexy goddess feelings are supposed to happen, and it doesn’t work that way. So for me, the shame was rooted in that and the thoughts I was taught to believe about sex. And innocent things additionally like when I’d watch movies with my parents and a sex scene would come on, you could feel the tension in the room when I was told to look away. These are little things that I think people need to think about when they are asking themselves what blocks are in the way from you accessing your sexuality – asking yourself what things you were taught that are inhibiting you from sexual freedom.
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Black Love: Your tweets are a beautiful call out to your followers to think differently about sex. Specifically, this particular tweet where you told them to stop saying yes to sex they’d rather say no to. Where did this realization come from?
Ev’Yan: Those tweets are actually from a piece that I wrote several years ago where my partner was coming on to me, and I felt my body screaming no. And I thought I should say yes because I didn’t want to make my partner upset, but that made me feel like I was violating myself and my body. It retraumatized me as someone who had experienced sexual trauma or intimation because sensations in my body were telling me no this isn’t what I need, I was really going against myself and the voices and desires of my own body. And sometimes those reasons were I just don’t want to today, and others were I just don’t want to be in this experience. There are still a lot of sex therapists and educators who still teach that I am still helping people to unlearn. It’s so deeply embedded in culture to agree to sex as a wifely duty even when you don’t feel like it, we don’t teach women to honor their bodies.
So many people think that all you need in a good relationship is sex, but sex isn’t everything and it’s okay to say no. This realization caused me to wonder if we were taught to believe that we are worth more, would we value not just sex but feeling worthy, safety, respect, being heard, body autonomy. They are all just as important.
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Black Love: At what point did you realize you had power over your consent, and what would you tell any Black woman looking to tap into that power for herself?
Ev’Yan: You are your own sexual expert. If your body says no, honor the no, and if it says yes, honor that too. And if you are shaky about who you are as a sexual person this is a great time to learn and there’s no shame in doing that at any age – I mean I have clients in their fifties. You can be whoever you are sexually and you can have the kind of sex that you want, you just have to be very clear about what you want and don’t want. In the beginning stages of my awakening, I asked myself two questions. Who do I wanna be as a sexual being, and what is getting in the way of my ability to open myself up to the full spectrum of my sexuality?
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Black Love: We’ve talked a lot about sexual trauma in this conversation. How would you recommend anyone healing from sexual trauma to vocalize this to a potential sex partner?
Ev’Yan: First, I have to recommend another sexual educator, Jimanekia Eborn, who is another leader in the sexual liberation industry that does amazing work. She recommends with her audience that you share upfront so that you can make sure that you will be taken care of. That said, not everyone will feel super comfortable so I would tell them you don’t have to tell someone “I’ve been traumatized” to let them know you want to go slow, or “I require a lot of foreplay before we get into it.” And if they’re still not sure, I definitely recommend talking with a certified sex educator or therapist that can help them create ways to feel as safe as possible.
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Black Love: As a Black queer woman, is there anything you’d want to specifically say to other Black queer women to encourage them during their sexual awakening?
Ev’Yan: Go slow and stay curious. One mistake that I’d say I did was that I wanted to diagnose myself quickly so I could get it cracking and have sex. But sexual liberation is not a one-and-done thing, it’s an ongoing journey because we are not static beings. We are constantly changing. Our libidos, sexual arousals, and sexual desires change and we should stay curious. It doesn’t always have to be heavy and focused on trauma resolution, and shame, it can be pleasurable. Ask yourself what makes you feel good and chase that. As Black folk, it can be really easy to focus on the trauma and bad things that happen to us, and we forget that we can feel things other than pain and joy. So while you are doing this important work of healing and liberation, seek joy along the way.
To learn more about Ev’Yan Whitney, follow her on social media, purchase her book sensual self, and listen to her podcast about sexual liberation.
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Courtesy of pexels.com A couple’s sex life is one of the most important aspects to a healthy successful relationship. The act blends the mind and the body — the physical and the emotional — into one. It brings people, especially those in a relationship built off of trust and love, closer together. Since sex plays such an essential role in love and marriage, the downs of sexual desire can be daunting. When the once highly anticipated act in a relationship becomes more of a responsibility, it can put a damper on the overall experience. However, it’s important to know that having a low sex drive at any given point is not abnormal. “A low sex drive is basically you do not have as much interest in sex as you may have once had, … so a low sex drive is relative to you and your experience,” says Dr. Donna Oriowo, a sex and relationship therapist. “There's always going to be ebbs and flows in the ways that we experience our sexual desire and our libido.” Related Articles: Been Married For Years and Hit a Sexual Plateau? Consider These Tips It’s Possible! I Rekindled My Sex Life in My 30-Year Relationship The Ultimate List of Intimacy-Boosting Products for Couples External factors, such as eating habits and stress levels, all contribute to the ebbs and flows of your sex drive. Oriowo tells Black Love that these factors play into sexual response cycles, specifically William Masters and Virginia Johnson four-stage linear model. From data they collected, they found that the four stages of human sexual response are excitement, plateau, orgasm and resolution. In 1979, Helen Kaplan took it a step further, adding desire as the first stage. Oriowo says that if people experience a successful cycle and a good resolution that will increase their desire and sex drive. However, when they have a poor experience, often influenced by those hidden external factors, it can contribute to the low sex drive. In agreement with Oriowo, licensed marriage and family therapist Rabiia Ali says that when it comes to sex, everything is connected. “When one part of it is off, everything can be off,” Ali tells Black Love. “If you are experiencing stressful situations, you may not have the capacity to be able to even feel sexual or physical sexual feelings, and that definitely could impact your sex drive.” The status of your mental, physical and emotional health outside of the bedroom impacts the experience you may have within it. If you are experiencing a low sex drive, these five things may be secretly interfering with your bedroom experience. Stress Courtesy of Canva.com Stress is prevalent in the Black community, with people reporting experiencing stress at a higher rate than their white counterparts. In today’s political and social climate, people are more stressed than ever. “One of the biggest things that goes into a low self sex drive is how we're feeling,” Oriowo tells Black Love. “Now, people are experiencing more stress than they have ever experienced before. It makes sense because people are having less sex than they have ever had before.” Low Self-Esteem The way that you feel about yourself plays a major role in your performance in the bedroom. With society’s unattainable beauty standards, it’s easy to put pressure on yourself to look a certain way. Sex requires you to be in your most vulnerable state with your partner. If you are not comfortable in your looks and your own skin, you can shy away from it. Low self-esteem and confidence may be the cause of your low sex drive. Diet The foods that you eat and the amount of water you consume plays a pivotal role in your sexual performance. Alcohol, along with other drugs, could also negatively impact your sex drive. “When clients are coming in and they're saying that they are not having strong orgasms, or they're not able to get erect, one of the first things I ask them about is their water consumption and their diets,” Oriowo says. “Eat what you normally eat, and add in foods that are high in antioxidants [and that] help with blood flow.” Courtesy of Unsplash.com Lack of Interest A good sexual experience combines an emotional connection with an intense physical attraction. If you have a lower sex drive with your partner, one reason could be that you are no longer interested in them. When the connection that you are experiencing with your partner is diminishing or is lost, it can be difficult to maintain an active sex life. Fatigue When you come home after a long day of work and complete all of your household chores, you may be exhausted. Without the proper amount of rest and relaxation, your body won’t be in the best position to perform in the bedroom. Make sure to get between seven and nine hours of sleep a night. Adults who sleep less than 7 hours may have more health issues, including low sex drive.
