Dr. Ally
Courtesy of Dr. Ally
Pourin’ the sugar, gettin’ the candy, shagging, getting busy between the sheets. We have so many colorful ways to talk about sex, but when was the last time you actually talked about sex? Whether it’s your ‘afternoon delight’ or your ‘red light special,’ what’s expected, what’s normal, what works for you, and what works for your partner? Many would consider sex to be an essential element to a successful relationship and with all the hoopla around S-E-X, staging-blacklove.kinsta.cloud wanted to get to the truth behind closed doors.
We conducted a survey where we asked married women all about sex. Their responses were honest, insightful, direct and to the point. We thank all of the ladies who joined the discussion.
In a separate survey, we also asked married men all about sex to see how their answers compared.
Married Women and Sex
*And yes, we did change their names.
What do you think a normal sex life entails?
I think a normal sex life is whatever makes each couple happy. For me and my husband, we try to sneak in some unexpected Saturday afternoon loving when our child is at a playdate, or on nights when we both are exhausted. But I think we are both very adamant about making sure we don’t go more than 5 days without intimacy.
Eden, 36, Los Angeles, Married 9 years, Together 17, 1 Kid and another on the way.
Whatever you desire.
Lena H., Houston, Married 40 years, Together 41, 3 Kids
I’m not sure if there is a frequency involved. I know, of my married friends, that I have sex more often than they do, but it is something I enjoy, not something that I’m giving to my husband. I think a normal sex life is about making sure both people are fulfilled, look forward to and want to have the experience together.
Sarai, 39, Los Angeles, Married 5 years, Together 9, 2 Kids and another on the way
A normal sex life should entail both parties being satisfied. That requires open communication. You never want one person feeling unfulfilled or used…or not used enough!
Marjorie, 37, Los Angeles, Married 11 years, Together 16, 2 Kids
How has sex changed for you in your relationship?
It actually feels more rewarding, since our lives are so busy with work and kids, almost a little indulgent and somewhat guilty… because we should be resting. But we’re tired anyway –– so it’s always worth it. Before pregnancy we had sex about 3-5 times per week. Now it’s about 1-2 times per month.
Sarai, 39, Los Angeles, Married 5 years, Together 9, 2 Kids and another on the way
I think because I am so busy with the kids –– I had two kids back to back –– I just don’t have the same desire to. During each pregnancy I also did not like sex, [though] everyone claimed it would be so great. I was very horny after my son was born but now not as much. I am also not my sexy self after two children back to back, hence why it’s also less. I do plan to work on this as I know the importance of sex in a marriage and not letting the kids get in between that.
BB, 30, Columbus, OH, Married 3 years, Together 9, 2 Kids
Before kids, it was just fun 24/7, but after them, it was a struggle bus finding the energy and time until the kids started sleeping through the night! After we had a miscarriage between the two children it was really hard to get our mojo back, but we wanted to try for a second kid ASAP, so we plodded through and eventually got back in sync!
Marjorie, 37, Los Angeles, Married 11 years, Together 16, 2 Kids
Since we’ve gotten married, we’ve explored new things sexually. Being married and choosing to have God at the center of our marriage has exposed a new level of trust to make sex more passionate.
KiKi, 28, Detroit, Married 3 years, Together 8, 1 Kid
It’s no longer spontaneous like when we were dating. My husband keeps complaining that it’s not exciting, but we’re just out of sync. When I’m in the mood, he’s busy. When he’s in the mood, I’m sleepy and not willing to roll over. His stamina is also nowhere close to what it used to be. I’ve totally become a lazy lover. I feel like he should show up ready, but even when I’m making an effort, it seems like it’s harder and harder to get him aroused. That’s demotivating and makes me want to quit.
Aria, 37, Houston, Married 11 years, Together 17, 1 Kid
Not as intense, but more foreplay and romance. We are more sensitive to each other’s needs and take time to address those needs.
Lena H., Houston, Married 40 years, Together 41, 3 Kids
It’s tedious— it takes away from time I could be sleeping! Whereas before having kids it was so much fun! When we first got together we had sex 1 – 2 times a week. Now it’s less than 2 times per month.
Yasmine, 27, Los Angeles, Married nearly 2 years, Together 6, 3 Kids
Do you talk about sex with your partner?
Yes. It’s important to talk candidly with your partner about sex –– what works, what doesn’t, what has changed…especially after kids…things can feel weird or hurt that didn’t use to (boobies were off limits during breastfeeding, for example).
Marjorie, 37, Los Angeles, Married 11 years, Together 16, 2 Kids
Yes. We discuss what we like and we don’t like, as well as new things to try.
KiKi, 28, Detroit, Married 3 years, Together 8, 1 Kid
Yes. Mostly because my husband would like it more frequently. Also, we talk about sex in anticipation of our next encounter.
Charity, 34, Midlothian, Married 10 years, Together 12, 2 Kids
No, hmm, good question. I don’t know why we don’t talk about it.
Yasmine, 27, Los Angeles, Married nearly 2 years, Together 6, 3 Kids
Yes. It’s necessary! Initially we were not filling each other in very specific ways. We each had a different idea of what should turn the other on. Instead of listening to each other we would draw from past experiences or things we have seen, read, or heard. We had to realize that just as unique as we are, so are our bodies. We had some tough conversations, but it was and is absolutely essential to the marriage.
Lovland, 38, Washington DC, Married 2 years, Together 4, 2 Kids
Do you ever feel pressure to have sex?
Yes, but I realized, I need it, not just my husband. I can also tell that he shuts down and gets testy when he hasn’t had sex…and we are closer when we have a strong sex life.
Maria, 46, Houston, Married 14 years, Together 17, 2 Kids
No, but we both get tense if we don’t connect enough. We quibble more if we go too long. Sex is a release that is important in a healthy relationship.
Marjorie, 37, Los Angeles, Married 11 years, Together 16, 2 Kids
Yes, I do because I know, before we got married, my husband had sex often, and I know he is a very sexual person. So, yes, there is pressure there. He is also very fit, and I am not, due to having the two children back to back, so there is pressure there.
BB, 30, Columbus, OH, Married 3 years, Together 9,2 Kids
Not a certain amount, but [I] do put pressure on myself not to neglect our sex life.
Kesha, 36, Dallas, Married 6 years, Together 10, 1 Kid
I have ideas in my head from the world but not from him.
Kay, Houston, Married 6 months, Together 1.5, Both divorced, 5 Kids
Not really. I’m definitely the aggressor in our marriage, so I generally get sex when I initiate it.
Eden, 36, Los Angeles, Married 9 years, Together 17, 1 Kid and another the way.
Thanks for sharing, ladies! And to see the men’s survey results, please click here.
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Hey y'all - I'm Coco, The Conversational Freak, your intimate health and behavior coach, and I've unfortunately witnessed too many women suffer in silence, struggle with body positivity, and deal with the daily nuances of being a woman
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Courtesy of pexels.com A couple’s sex life is one of the most important aspects to a healthy successful relationship. The act blends the mind and the body — the physical and the emotional — into one. It brings people, especially those in a relationship built off of trust and love, closer together. Since sex plays such an essential role in love and marriage, the downs of sexual desire can be daunting. When the once highly anticipated act in a relationship becomes more of a responsibility, it can put a damper on the overall experience. However, it’s important to know that having a low sex drive at any given point is not abnormal. “A low sex drive is basically you do not have as much interest in sex as you may have once had, … so a low sex drive is relative to you and your experience,” says Dr. Donna Oriowo, a sex and relationship therapist. “There's always going to be ebbs and flows in the ways that we experience our sexual desire and our libido.” Related Articles: Been Married For Years and Hit a Sexual Plateau? Consider These Tips It’s Possible! I Rekindled My Sex Life in My 30-Year Relationship The Ultimate List of Intimacy-Boosting Products for Couples External factors, such as eating habits and stress levels, all contribute to the ebbs and flows of your sex drive. Oriowo tells Black Love that these factors play into sexual response cycles, specifically William Masters and Virginia Johnson four-stage linear model. From data they collected, they found that the four stages of human sexual response are excitement, plateau, orgasm and resolution. In 1979, Helen Kaplan took it a step further, adding desire as the first stage. Oriowo says that if people experience a successful cycle and a good resolution that will increase their desire and sex drive. However, when they have a poor experience, often influenced by those hidden external factors, it can contribute to the low sex drive. In agreement with Oriowo, licensed marriage and family therapist Rabiia Ali says that when it comes to sex, everything is connected. “When one part of it is off, everything can be off,” Ali tells Black Love. “If you are experiencing stressful situations, you may not have the capacity to be able to even feel sexual or physical sexual feelings, and that definitely could impact your sex drive.” The status of your mental, physical and emotional health outside of the bedroom impacts the experience you may have within it. If you are experiencing a low sex drive, these five things may be secretly interfering with your bedroom experience. Stress Courtesy of Canva.com Stress is prevalent in the Black community, with people reporting experiencing stress at a higher rate than their white counterparts. In today’s political and social climate, people are more stressed than ever. “One of the biggest things that goes into a low self sex drive is how we're feeling,” Oriowo tells Black Love. “Now, people are experiencing more stress than they have ever experienced before. It makes sense because people are having less sex than they have ever had before.” Low Self-Esteem The way that you feel about yourself plays a major role in your performance in the bedroom. With society’s unattainable beauty standards, it’s easy to put pressure on yourself to look a certain way. Sex requires you to be in your most vulnerable state with your partner. If you are not comfortable in your looks and your own skin, you can shy away from it. Low self-esteem and confidence may be the cause of your low sex drive. Diet The foods that you eat and the amount of water you consume plays a pivotal role in your sexual performance. Alcohol, along with other drugs, could also negatively impact your sex drive. “When clients are coming in and they're saying that they are not having strong orgasms, or they're not able to get erect, one of the first things I ask them about is their water consumption and their diets,” Oriowo says. “Eat what you normally eat, and add in foods that are high in antioxidants [and that] help with blood flow.” Courtesy of Unsplash.com Lack of Interest A good sexual experience combines an emotional connection with an intense physical attraction. If you have a lower sex drive with your partner, one reason could be that you are no longer interested in them. When the connection that you are experiencing with your partner is diminishing or is lost, it can be difficult to maintain an active sex life. Fatigue When you come home after a long day of work and complete all of your household chores, you may be exhausted. Without the proper amount of rest and relaxation, your body won’t be in the best position to perform in the bedroom. Make sure to get between seven and nine hours of sleep a night. Adults who sleep less than 7 hours may have more health issues, including low sex drive.
