Pourin’ the sugar, gettin’ the candy, shagging, getting busy between the sheets. We have so many colorful ways to talk about sex, but when was the last time you actually talked about sex?  Whether it’s your ‘afternoon delight’ or your ‘red light special,’ what’s expected, what’s normal, what works for you, and what works for your partner?  Many would consider sex to be an essential element to a successful relationship and with all the hoopla around S-E-X, staging-blacklove.kinsta.cloud wanted to get to the truth behind closed doors.

We conducted a survey where we asked married women all about sex. Their responses were honest, insightful, direct and to the point. We thank all of the ladies who joined the discussion.

In a separate survey, we also asked married men all about sex to see how their answers compared. 

Married Women and Sex  

*And yes, we did change their names.

What do you think a normal sex life entails?

I think a normal sex life is whatever makes each couple happy. For me and my husband, we try to sneak in some unexpected Saturday afternoon loving when our child is at a playdate, or on nights when we both are exhausted.  But I think we are both very adamant about making sure we don’t go more than 5 days without intimacy.

Eden, 36, Los Angeles, Married 9 years, Together 17, 1 Kid and another on the way.

 

Whatever you desire.

Lena H., Houston, Married 40 years, Together 41, 3 Kids

 

I’m not sure if there is a frequency involved. I know, of my married friends, that I have sex more often than they do, but it is something I enjoy, not something that I’m giving to my husband.  I think a normal sex life is about making sure both people are fulfilled, look forward to and want to have the experience together.

Sarai, 39, Los Angeles, Married 5 years, Together 9, 2 Kids and another on the way

 

A normal sex life should entail both parties being satisfied.  That requires open communication. You never want one person feeling unfulfilled or used…or not used enough!

Marjorie, 37, Los Angeles, Married 11 years, Together 16, 2 Kids

 

How has sex changed for you in your relationship?

It actually feels more rewarding, since our lives are so busy with work and kids, almost a little indulgent and somewhat guilty… because we should be resting.  But we’re tired anyway –– so it’s always worth it. Before pregnancy we had sex about 3-5 times per week. Now it’s about 1-2 times per month.

Sarai, 39, Los Angeles, Married 5 years, Together 9, 2 Kids and another on the way

 

I think because I am so busy with the kids –– I had two kids back to back –– I just don’t have the same desire to. During each pregnancy I also did not like sex, [though] everyone claimed it would be so great. I was very horny after my son was born but now not as much. I am also not my sexy self after two children back to back, hence why it’s also less. I do plan to work on this as I know the importance of sex in a marriage and not letting the kids get in between that.

BB, 30, Columbus, OH, Married 3 years, Together 9, 2 Kids

 

Before kids, it was just fun 24/7, but after them, it was a struggle bus finding the energy and time until the kids started sleeping through the night!  After we had a miscarriage between the two children it was really hard to get our mojo back, but we wanted to try for a second kid ASAP, so we plodded through and eventually got back in sync!

Marjorie, 37, Los Angeles, Married 11 years, Together 16, 2 Kids

 

Since we’ve gotten married, we’ve explored new things sexually. Being married and choosing to have God at the center of our marriage has exposed a new level of trust to make sex more passionate.

KiKi, 28, Detroit, Married 3 years, Together 8, 1 Kid

 

It’s no longer spontaneous like when we were dating. My husband keeps complaining that it’s not exciting, but we’re just out of sync. When I’m in the mood, he’s busy. When he’s in the mood, I’m sleepy and not willing to roll over. His stamina is also nowhere close to what it used to be. I’ve totally become a lazy lover. I feel like he should show up ready, but even when I’m making an effort, it seems like it’s harder and harder to get him aroused. That’s demotivating and makes me want to quit.

Aria, 37, Houston, Married 11 years, Together 17, 1 Kid

 

Not as intense, but more foreplay and romance. We are more sensitive to each other’s needs and take time to address those needs.

Lena H., Houston, Married 40 years, Together 41, 3 Kids

 

It’s tedious— it takes away from time I could be sleeping! Whereas before having kids it was so much fun!  When we first got together we had sex 1 – 2 times a week. Now it’s less than 2 times per month.

Yasmine, 27, Los Angeles, Married nearly 2 years, Together 6, 3 Kids

 

Do you talk about sex with your partner?

Yes.  It’s important to talk candidly with your partner about sex –– what works, what doesn’t, what has changed…especially after kids…things can feel weird or hurt that didn’t use to (boobies were off limits during breastfeeding, for example).

Marjorie, 37, Los Angeles, Married 11 years, Together 16, 2 Kids

 

Yes. We discuss what we like and we don’t like, as well as new things to try.

KiKi, 28, Detroit, Married 3 years, Together 8, 1 Kid

 

Yes. Mostly because my husband would like it more frequently. Also, we talk about sex in anticipation of our next encounter.

Charity, 34, Midlothian, Married 10 years, Together 12, 2 Kids

 

No, hmm, good question. I don’t know why we don’t talk about it.

Yasmine, 27, Los Angeles, Married nearly 2 years, Together 6, 3 Kids

 

Yes. It’s necessary! Initially we were not filling each other in very specific ways.  We each had a different idea of what should turn the other on. Instead of listening to each other we would draw from past experiences or things we have seen, read, or heard. We had to realize that just as unique as we are, so are our bodies. We had some tough conversations, but it was and is absolutely essential to the marriage.

Lovland, 38, Washington DC, Married 2 years, Together 4, 2 Kids

Do you ever feel pressure to have sex?

Yes, but I realized, I need it, not just my husband. I can also tell that he shuts down and gets testy when he hasn’t had sex…and we are closer when we have a strong sex life.

Maria, 46, Houston, Married 14 years, Together 17, 2 Kids

 

No, but we both get tense if we don’t connect enough.  We quibble more if we go too long. Sex is a release that is important in a healthy relationship.

Marjorie, 37, Los Angeles, Married 11 years, Together 16, 2 Kids

 

Yes, I do because I know, before we got married, my husband had sex often, and I know he is a very sexual person. So, yes, there is pressure there.  He is also very fit, and I am not, due to having the two children back to back, so there is pressure there.

BB, 30, Columbus, OH, Married 3 years, Together 9,2 Kids

 

Not a certain amount, but [I] do put pressure on myself not to neglect our sex life.

Kesha, 36, Dallas, Married 6 years, Together 10, 1 Kid

 

I have ideas in my head from the world but not from him.

Kay, Houston, Married 6 months, Together 1.5, Both divorced, 5 Kids

 

Not really. I’m definitely the aggressor in our marriage, so I generally get sex when I initiate it.

Eden, 36, Los Angeles, Married 9 years, Together 17, 1 Kid and another the way.

Thanks for sharing, ladies!  And to see the men’s survey results, please click here.