Sex, for many, is one of the fantastic joys of life; it also can be messy, complicated, and hard to come by depending on your specific situation. Now, more than ever during times of social distancing and worries about contracting COVID-19, sex has become a bit more of a taboo as most of us want it but can’t and won’t get it. It is true; solo sex is safest right now; whether quarantined together, boo’d up, but apart, or single, we can use this time to exercise our skills on making sex spicy and fun. 

If you are currently unable to be near your bae, fear not you still can get sexy with a few simple modifications in how we engage in sex. The most obvious way is to turn to technology! According to the American Psychological Association (APA), 88% of adults have “sext” at some point in their lifetimes, so most of us are pretty well versed in lewd text messages. Yet, how many of us have taken it to the next level by answering the call to mastering phone sex seduction. Yes, I said phone sex; once viewed as a tongue-in-cheek way for lonely people to get off over the phone is now considered a way to attempt intimate connections in the time of social distancing. 

Related: Do You Schedule Sex With Your Partner?

While some of us find it easy to talk about sex with their partners or friends, others find themselves at a loss for words when the topic comes up. This challenge of verbally communicating our desires can stem from various spaces, and that is normal. It is essential to understand that all of our actions and behaviors related to sexuality are learned behaviors. Our comfortability and confidence around such topics are often determined by a combination of the messages we receive or didn’t receive about sex growing up and our personal experiences. 

While we may be eager to venture into the uncharted waters of passion through a phone call, we should be realistic. For starters, and to be truthfully honest, engaging in phone sex seduction can, at times, be awkward. It requires a sense of humor, takes practice, and isn’t right for everybody. It doesn’t mean you are a lousy lover. I remember when I was in grad school, and I applied for a phone sex operator job. I was studying marriage family therapy with an emphasis on Black sexuality, and I figured I knew what I was doing and that it would be super simple. 

Related: How We Prioritize Sex — 3 Couples, 3 Sex Lives

Oh, lawd, was I mistaken! My interview and career as a phone sex operator ended faster than it began. Within minutes, the interviewer told me I was the worst person he ever heard attempting to be seductive on the phone. He proceeded to thank me for my time but strongly suggested I keep my day job. I tell this story to let you know that if it feels funny and awkward in the beginning, it’s okay, you just need a little practice. So here is a list of some of the basics to assist you in exploring these uncharted waters. I hope you’re ready! 

CONSENT IS A MAJOR KEY

Although you might not be in the same room as your lover, consent is not an option. Instead, it is a requirement. You never know what someone’s been through; what traumas they’ve experienced and/or what makes them uncomfortable. The only way to know is to ask your partner if they want to engage in this type of play. My recommendation is to temperature check this topic by mentioning in a text that you might be interested in a phone sex date, and you could send something such as: 

“Hey bae, I just read this interesting article about phone sex, and I was wondering if that is something you might want to try.”  

Once consent is established, and you have a phone sex date set on your calendar, you can let the fun and games begin, and your imagination run wild.

SET THE MOOD 

Slip into your senses. But first, you have to be willing to get out of your own head. Start with a little self-care, something that makes you feel sexy and relaxed. Then focus on the ambiance, which is essential to tap into your sensuality. You’ll want to create an environment that has ZERO distractions, so during your call, consider putting your phone on DO NOT DISTURB. 

Next, think about the physical space you are in to ensure you feel as comfortable as possible. Tidy up the area because there’s something awesome about getting dirty in a super clean room. From there, choose the lighting that sets the mood for an epic seduction. And finally, be mindful of room temperature, sure hard nipples are great just not when they are brought on by a nippy draft. Small details like these can make a big difference! Trust me on this.  

HAVE YOUR INSTRUMENTS READY

Similar to cooking, you want to have your utensils ready at all times. For this type of sexual play, headphones are essential because you want your hands free to explore your entire body. If you are planning to use any toy, make sure it’s fully charged. And if you need lube, have it close at hand along with a towel on stand by. Simple preparations make it easier to relax, fantasize, and unwind. 

USE YOUR WORDS

Words are essential when engaging in phone sex; the more expansive you are, the hotter the experience can and will be. If finding the right words comes as a challenge, try doing a bit of prep work by reading some erotic literature. Reading is fundamental, and in this case, it can help you to expand both your imagination and naughty lexicon. 

LOOSEN UP

Like actual sex, there is no real science or perfect situation. Even when things are far from perfect, you can still have a pleasurable time. What might be sexy to some might be a joke to others, so don’t stress yourself about the awkward moments. Have fun and allow yourself to laugh with your partner and even at yourself. 

FOLLOW UP & CHECK-IN

Aftercare is an essential element in BDSM (Bondage and Discipline, Dominance and Submission, Sadism and Masochism) relationships. It is a way for couples to check-in after kinky fun to ensure there are no boundaries crossed, and all parties feel comfortable and confident in what took place. As a way to deepen intimacy, I believe we should all engage in aftercare following any type of sexual activity.