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We’ve made it through the work week, and it’s Friday night. We’ve picked up dinner because I’m not cooking. My daughter is in her room doing her usual TikTok, FaceTime, Roblox marathon. Finally, we are sitting on the couch winding down — I’m ready for Netflix and chill, when he gives me that “come over” look…It’s the more than 15-years relationship cycle. He wants to “get busy,” but it’s the last thing on my mind; I simply have no sex drive. There are so many factors that have led to a sex drive in neutral. To name a few, there are body image issues, low libido, performance anxiety, loss of attraction, lack-luster environment, and infidelity.
When you go through high school and college wearing sizes 6-8 then two children later, you are wearing an 11-12, dressing up in Victoria’s Secret is not exactly what you want to do. There are stretch marks in places that I didn’t know could stretch, and bulges in places that are not complementary; I don’t feel sexy. Consequently, when I’m not feeling comfortable in my own skin, there aren’t any amount of compliments my husband can give that will make me want to be intimate. Add to that a low libido, caused partially by age and partially by a loss of serotonin that barely exists when you’ve been in a long-term relationship.
When the serotonin flame is low, outside competition like social media influences, porn acrobatics, and thirsty side chicks requires creativity and adventure in the bedroom — cue the performance anxiety. I mean, how can I compete with all of that?
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Then there are the factors that test your staying power. What do you do when you lose attraction to your partner whether physical or mental, when you are turned off by everything in your living space, and you have to struggle through the ultimate violation, emotional or physical infidelity? It’s at those moments that a deep reflection is necessary to determine if the relationship can last, and in that space, intimacy is a hard “no.”
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So, you search for techniques to help you in your struggles. You work on you. You get a gym membership and are religious about your cardio, weight training, and eating habits. When results are slow, you get the private trainer who helps you to get results, and you’re feeling and looking great; temporarily, intimacy sparks are reignited, but temporarily. So, you call the counselor who helps you and your partner compartmentalize your issues and recommends sensate focus sex therapy to slowly find the intimacy and reconnect. She recommends scheduled date nights and figuring out how to channel the “freak” in you. So, you buy the Victoria’s Secret. You wear the “little black dress” for date night. You “sext” each other while at work, and you make time for intimacy — be it scheduled or spontaneous. Although I am still a “work in progress,” I am living testimony that 30 years into a relationship, the sex drive can be reignited.
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Hey y'all - I'm Coco, The Conversational Freak, your intimate health and behavior coach, and I've unfortunately witnessed too many women suffer in silence, struggle with body positivity, and deal with the daily nuances of being a woman
From luxurious candles that fill the room with warmth to thoughtful gadgets that keep the connection strong, these products are designed to enhance those intimate moments.
Courtesy of pexels.com A couple’s sex life is one of the most important aspects to a healthy successful relationship. The act blends the mind and the body — the physical and the emotional — into one. It brings people, especially those in a relationship built off of trust and love, closer together. Since sex plays such an essential role in love and marriage, the downs of sexual desire can be daunting. When the once highly anticipated act in a relationship becomes more of a responsibility, it can put a damper on the overall experience. However, it’s important to know that having a low sex drive at any given point is not abnormal. “A low sex drive is basically you do not have as much interest in sex as you may have once had, … so a low sex drive is relative to you and your experience,” says Dr. Donna Oriowo, a sex and relationship therapist. “There's always going to be ebbs and flows in the ways that we experience our sexual desire and our libido.” Related Articles: Been Married For Years and Hit a Sexual Plateau? Consider These Tips It’s Possible! I Rekindled My Sex Life in My 30-Year Relationship The Ultimate List of Intimacy-Boosting Products for Couples External factors, such as eating habits and stress levels, all contribute to the ebbs and flows of your sex drive. Oriowo tells Black Love that these factors play into sexual response cycles, specifically William Masters and Virginia Johnson four-stage linear model. From data they collected, they found that the four stages of human sexual response are excitement, plateau, orgasm and resolution. In 1979, Helen Kaplan took it a step further, adding desire as the first stage. Oriowo says that if people experience a successful cycle and a good resolution that will increase their desire and sex drive. However, when they have a poor experience, often influenced by those hidden external factors, it can contribute to the low sex drive. In agreement with Oriowo, licensed marriage and family therapist Rabiia Ali says that when it comes to sex, everything is connected. “When one part of it is off, everything can be off,” Ali tells Black Love. “If you are experiencing stressful situations, you may not have the capacity to be able to even feel sexual or physical sexual feelings, and that definitely could impact your sex drive.” The status of your mental, physical and emotional health outside of the bedroom impacts the experience you may have within it. If you are experiencing a low sex drive, these five things may be secretly interfering with your bedroom experience. Stress Courtesy of Canva.com Stress is prevalent in the Black community, with people reporting experiencing stress at a higher rate than their white counterparts. In today’s political and social climate, people are more stressed than ever. “One of the biggest things that goes into a low self sex drive is how we're feeling,” Oriowo tells Black Love. “Now, people are experiencing more stress than they have ever experienced before. It makes sense because people are having less sex than they have ever had before.” Low Self-Esteem The way that you feel about yourself plays a major role in your performance in the bedroom. With society’s unattainable beauty standards, it’s easy to put pressure on yourself to look a certain way. Sex requires you to be in your most vulnerable state with your partner. If you are not comfortable in your looks and your own skin, you can shy away from it. Low self-esteem and confidence may be the cause of your low sex drive. Diet The foods that you eat and the amount of water you consume plays a pivotal role in your sexual performance. Alcohol, along with other drugs, could also negatively impact your sex drive. “When clients are coming in and they're saying that they are not having strong orgasms, or they're not able to get erect, one of the first things I ask them about is their water consumption and their diets,” Oriowo says. “Eat what you normally eat, and add in foods that are high in antioxidants [and that] help with blood flow.” Courtesy of Unsplash.com Lack of Interest A good sexual experience combines an emotional connection with an intense physical attraction. If you have a lower sex drive with your partner, one reason could be that you are no longer interested in them. When the connection that you are experiencing with your partner is diminishing or is lost, it can be difficult to maintain an active sex life. Fatigue When you come home after a long day of work and complete all of your household chores, you may be exhausted. Without the proper amount of rest and relaxation, your body won’t be in the best position to perform in the bedroom. Make sure to get between seven and nine hours of sleep a night. Adults who sleep less than 7 hours may have more health issues, including low sex drive.
