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Three couples speak to staging-blacklove.kinsta.cloud about the importance of sexual intimacy (and what to do when it’s missing). Editorial note: Some names have been changed to protect identity.
Credit: @brittfusilier
Sex.
This three letter word can make or break a relationship, can start or end a bond, and shapes bonds between people. A lack of it can cause one to be unhappy, unfulfilled, or unfaithful — all attributes that can lead to divorce. But what happens when life gets in the way of a couple’s sex life? Black Love talked to four couples to get the scoop about their sex lives. They discuss how often they have sex, how they prioritize sex, what factors can get in the way, and what they do to remain connected to each other.
How Much?
On average, the couples say that they have sex between once per week and two to three times per week. The couples don’t keep track of how often they have sex, but have an idea of what their norm is. This norm does fluctuate, depending on what is going on in their lives. For several of the women, their menstrual cycles interrupt their sex lives (although Kia, married to Daniel for five years, says that her period does not impact sex with her husband except when her flow is heavy).
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Work schedules can also impact the amount of sex had in a given week. College sweethearts Jennifer and Nathan, married for five years, say that exhaustion from a busy work day can limit the amount of sex they have. “Sex changed once we weren’t in college,” Jennifer explained. “Once we had responsibilities and a job to go to, an 8-5, it changed everything.”
“I Want To, But…”
Kids
“Once you have a child, your time is so taken. You have to be intentional about everything you do.”
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For many of the couples, parenthood rocked their sex lives. “Once you have a child, your time is so taken. You have to be intentional about everything you do,” says Dequan, who has been married to Kimberly for seven years. Kevin, married for a month to wife Catrina, agrees. “Your attention is spread between your child and spouse, and then you also have to try and find time for yourself. It can be hard to find that balance.” For some of the wives, parenting small children has come with additional challenges. Breastfeeding mom Catrina discusses how nursing has impacted her. “I feel less attractive because of breastfeeding, and I’m exhausted. Our schedule revolves around the baby,” Catrina says. “We’re hoping that he doesn’t wake up in the middle of the night.”
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Having two small children has also led Jennifer to struggle with intimacy at times, particularly during her time as a stay at home mom. “I’m always giving affection to my kids, so by the end of the day, I feel like my affection is gone.”
Work
“If I’ve had a rough day, I’m like ‘leave me alone.”
Busy work schedules can take away time for connecting as well. Kia and Daniel are both nurses and sometimes have opposite schedules. “He does better on less sleep,” Kia says. “If I’ve had a rough day, I’m like ‘leave me alone.’” Being busy can also lead to planning out or scheduling when sex will happen. “Now it has to be more planned and organized, which can take the fun out of it,” says Nathan.
Unforeseen Circumstances
“You do what you can to let the other person know ‘I still desire you.’”
There can also be lifestyle changes that severely impact a couple’s sex life. Dequan and Kimberly’s son was born prematurely and spent months in the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit (NICU). The new parents were by his side around the clock, and Dequan also traveled extensively during this time. Kimberly revealed that even after their son’s NICU stay was over, it was months before they had sex again due to the stress of the experience. But it was still important for Dequan to cultivate a sense of intimacy between him and his wife. “Even in those times it was a whole lot of booty rubbing. You do what you can to let the other person know ‘I still desire you.’”
Staying Connected
Communication
“We try to make a point in making time for us,” says Kevin. “If it’s been two weeks of not having sex, that’s when we have to start scheduling time for us.”
Credit: @leahgracephoto
Remaining in tune with your partner is a key ingredient that all of the couples described in having a satisfying sex life. “We try to make a point in making time for us,” says Kevin. “If it’s been two weeks of not having sex, that’s when we have to start scheduling time for us.”
Related: Why This Married Mom Schedules Sex With Her Husband
Kimberly echoes this point and is sure to keep the lines of communication open with her husband. “We don’t let it go unnoticed. Let’s talk about why we’re not having sex.” Her husband Dequan adds: “We’re still one. Our spiritual connection is what sustains us, especially when sex is less frequent. Our spiritual connection is recharged by sex.”
Non-Physical Intimacy
Prioritizing non-physical intimacy is a crucial aspect of maintaining the fire within these marriages. If this aspect suffers, it can lead to feelings of disconnect. “One of our favorite things to do is to watch [the television show] “Ridiculousness,” and we’ll cuddle and fall asleep together. She’ll lay on my chest. That helps us connect,” Daniel says. “If it’s been a minute, I can’t just have sex because I’ll feel disconnected. Non-sexual bonding can help that. We can watch a movie, give massages, talk, laugh–things to get each other back to a good place,” Kia adds.
“If it’s been a minute, I can’t just have sex because I’ll feel disconnected. Non-sexual bonding can help that. We can watch a movie, give massages, talk, laugh–things to get each other back to a good place,” Kia adds.
Nathan stresses that building and maintaining a connection with his wife is important and has to be prioritized. He counts his friendship with his wife Jennifer as key to making that happen. “When we’re in alignment, we’re joking, playing, vibing, and laughing. There’s a natural flow to it. We have to maintain that flow and keep it going,” he says. “The emotional, spiritual, and mental connections that happen last for days and weeks after,” Nathan continues, describing how sex enhances that alignment with Jennifer.
Time
For Daniel, sex with Kia has gotten better the longer they’ve been married. “We know each other’s bodies more,” he says. “I know what I’m doing now.” Kia agrees. “I feel more adventurous, more sexy, more of a vixen. I feel more open and willing to try new things.” Despite working long shifts, the couple are intentional about making their sex life exciting. They send each other nudes throughout the day and text each other about positions they enjoy the other person in. “I’m working to get her in the mood throughout the day,” Daniel explains.
Credit: @tenesiaandterence
Like Daniel, Jennifer’s satisfaction with sex has increased with age as well. “When we were younger, we had sex in different places and tried different things. But now my satisfaction has increased,” says Jennifer. “Now I know myself. I know what I like now. I orgasm more. Maybe it’s just bedroom sex, but I’m gonna orgasm.”
For some couples, when it comes to sex, less is more. For others, the frequency of sex impacts how connected they feel to their partners. But each couple must take the time to learn what their norm is — and be willing to adjust as their sex lives experience the ebbs and flows that come with life.
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From luxurious candles that fill the room with warmth to thoughtful gadgets that keep the connection strong, these products are designed to enhance those intimate moments.
Courtesy of pexels.com A couple’s sex life is one of the most important aspects to a healthy successful relationship. The act blends the mind and the body — the physical and the emotional — into one. It brings people, especially those in a relationship built off of trust and love, closer together. Since sex plays such an essential role in love and marriage, the downs of sexual desire can be daunting. When the once highly anticipated act in a relationship becomes more of a responsibility, it can put a damper on the overall experience. However, it’s important to know that having a low sex drive at any given point is not abnormal. “A low sex drive is basically you do not have as much interest in sex as you may have once had, … so a low sex drive is relative to you and your experience,” says Dr. Donna Oriowo, a sex and relationship therapist. “There's always going to be ebbs and flows in the ways that we experience our sexual desire and our libido.” Related Articles: Been Married For Years and Hit a Sexual Plateau? Consider These Tips It’s Possible! I Rekindled My Sex Life in My 30-Year Relationship The Ultimate List of Intimacy-Boosting Products for Couples External factors, such as eating habits and stress levels, all contribute to the ebbs and flows of your sex drive. Oriowo tells Black Love that these factors play into sexual response cycles, specifically William Masters and Virginia Johnson four-stage linear model. From data they collected, they found that the four stages of human sexual response are excitement, plateau, orgasm and resolution. In 1979, Helen Kaplan took it a step further, adding desire as the first stage. Oriowo says that if people experience a successful cycle and a good resolution that will increase their desire and sex drive. However, when they have a poor experience, often influenced by those hidden external factors, it can contribute to the low sex drive. In agreement with Oriowo, licensed marriage and family therapist Rabiia Ali says that when it comes to sex, everything is connected. “When one part of it is off, everything can be off,” Ali tells Black Love. “If you are experiencing stressful situations, you may not have the capacity to be able to even feel sexual or physical sexual feelings, and that definitely could impact your sex drive.” The status of your mental, physical and emotional health outside of the bedroom impacts the experience you may have within it. If you are experiencing a low sex drive, these five things may be secretly interfering with your bedroom experience. Stress Courtesy of Canva.com Stress is prevalent in the Black community, with people reporting experiencing stress at a higher rate than their white counterparts. In today’s political and social climate, people are more stressed than ever. “One of the biggest things that goes into a low self sex drive is how we're feeling,” Oriowo tells Black Love. “Now, people are experiencing more stress than they have ever experienced before. It makes sense because people are having less sex than they have ever had before.” Low Self-Esteem The way that you feel about yourself plays a major role in your performance in the bedroom. With society’s unattainable beauty standards, it’s easy to put pressure on yourself to look a certain way. Sex requires you to be in your most vulnerable state with your partner. If you are not comfortable in your looks and your own skin, you can shy away from it. Low self-esteem and confidence may be the cause of your low sex drive. Diet The foods that you eat and the amount of water you consume plays a pivotal role in your sexual performance. Alcohol, along with other drugs, could also negatively impact your sex drive. “When clients are coming in and they're saying that they are not having strong orgasms, or they're not able to get erect, one of the first things I ask them about is their water consumption and their diets,” Oriowo says. “Eat what you normally eat, and add in foods that are high in antioxidants [and that] help with blood flow.” Courtesy of Unsplash.com Lack of Interest A good sexual experience combines an emotional connection with an intense physical attraction. If you have a lower sex drive with your partner, one reason could be that you are no longer interested in them. When the connection that you are experiencing with your partner is diminishing or is lost, it can be difficult to maintain an active sex life. Fatigue When you come home after a long day of work and complete all of your household chores, you may be exhausted. Without the proper amount of rest and relaxation, your body won’t be in the best position to perform in the bedroom. Make sure to get between seven and nine hours of sleep a night. Adults who sleep less than 7 hours may have more health issues, including low sex drive.
