Cindy
Courtesy of Cindy
As researchers try to uncover the reasons why young people are having less sex, many adult women are more sure than ever about their decision to abstain. And unlike the so-called sex recession that’s been heavily reported on in the media, their choice has nothing to do with the pandemic.
Like the act of sex itself, the decision not to partake is a personal one that often accompanies spiritual, mental, emotional, and even physical awakenings of various kinds. It can also feel like a lonely journey in a society where casual sex, sneaky links, and the like have seemingly replaced dating and forming genuine romantic connections. We asked four Black women who are celibate to share their experience on this path. This is what they said.
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Courtesy of Tera
Tera Chantelle, 29
Length of celibacy: 7 years
What prompted your celibacy journey? Taking a purity course when I was in high school with my friends. The power of purity led me to not being interested in the hook up culture that has been so normalized in this modern-day society.
What has been the hardest part about being celibate? Being misunderstood. A lot of people think I’m missing out on something because I don’t have a sex life, but being celibate has allowed me to be more fulfilled. Now I don’t have a limited view when it comes to love, just expecting it to come in the form of romance. I like to operate from a place of self-love, so I vibrate love and receive love on an everyday basis. Unfortunately, I get called odd because I’m always on a high frequency and I’m not vibrating low like a zombie in the culture. I get questions all the time— why am I so happy? why am I always smiling? It’s simply because I have been protecting my sexual energy and pouring it all back into myself.
What has been most rewarding about being celibate? Being untouchable and not being so accessible. It has allowed me to value myself and enhance my self-respect and cherish my temple to such a high degree that I will never lower my standards just for the sake of boredom again. I have found true love within myself and God that I will never take for granted.
Have you dated during your celibacy journey and, if so, what has that experience been like? I don’t date on my celibacy journey because most people simply just want sex; that’s why they’re taking me out on a date anyway. I’m more interested in networking and making genuine friendships because I don’t have to operate from a transactional space in that way.
Have you explored other ways of satisfying your physical/sexual needs during this time? The different ways I satisfy myself are by dancing in the mirror, embracing my sexuality and sensuality and learning the power of seduction by being in my own skin. Also by connecting with nature and journaling, grounding myself outside and being one with Mother Earth.
When do you anticipate ending your period of celibacy, if at all? I don’t anticipate my celibacy journey ending because this is a lifelong commitment for me. I’m not doing this to find my other half or find the right person. I have no secret motives for practicing celibacy. I’m doing this to love myself and to be disciplined with God. I also have no desire for marriage or children so I’m choosing to take a unique pathway for myself which is celibacy.
What would be your word of advice to another woman just beginning her celibacy journey? Give yourself grace. You are breaking a pattern, and you are unlocking a cheat code to living life in this matrix. You will go through different challenges but the best investment you can ever make is in yourself. Celibacy will allow the veil to be lifted so you can discover what love truly means for you. By keeping your sexual energy to yourself you have the ability to create magic and other things that will make up your legacy here on earth. You are now beneficial to Mother Earth. Lastly, when you’re not a slave to your fleshly desires you’re now the controller of your own fate and destiny. Value self-respect over everything.
Courtesy of Nataja
Nataja, 32
Length of celibacy: My whole life
What prompted your celibacy journey? It began as an innocent promise I made at the age of 11 when I was asked if I would ever consider doing anything with my childhood crush and it evolved into a genuine vow to myself and to God as a way to honor my devotion to allowing Him to find my husband.
What has been the hardest part about being celibate? The hardest part of my celibacy is how long it’s been in play. That paired with the fear of “running out of time” and feeling like it will never happen.
What has been most rewarding about being celibate? The peace that comes with not settling and holding fast to my standards has been very rewarding. Knowing that no one un-deserving has ever had that kind of access to me brings me comfort.
Have you dated during your celibacy journey and, if so, what has that experience been like? If I’m being honest, dating is a learning curve I haven’t mastered yet. I’ve gone on a handful of dates, 90% of them not worth noting. It’s always been intention over casual and that just doesn’t translate well on my side of the dating pool. No one has gotten past the fact that I’m waiting until marriage.
Have you explored other ways of satisfying your physical/sexual needs during this time? Touch deprivation is a real thing, and I am knee-deep in a season of just missing human touch. That said, I am very in touch and in tune with my body and what it likes. It wasn’t until I was 27 that I decided to explore self-pleasure in any real intentional way and it a decision I don’t regret at all.
When do you anticipate ending your period of celibacy, if at all? On my wedding night (may it be sooner than later).
What would be your word of advice to another woman just beginning her celibacy journey? Celibacy is a beautiful experience of self-exploration, continual denying of instant gratification and an ultimate display of self-discipline. My advice would be to be as open and honest about the what, why, and how. What are you hoping to get out of this experience? Why are you waiting? How will you empower yourself to hold to your boundaries, especially in moments of temptation? If you wouldn’t let anyone else not honor their word to you, why should you excuse yourself of the same?
Courtesy of Cindy
Cindy, 27
Length of celibacy: 4 years
What prompted your celibacy journey? I began my celibacy journey at 22 in response to my poor choices in people to date/share my body with—who I claimed I wanted to be with wasn’t matching who I was actually choosing, and it concerned me. It felt like I was being reckless with who I gave access to me, and I didn’t know why this was the case, so I decided to opt out and focus on healing myself mentally and emotionally to better understand what was taking place.
What has been the hardest part about being celibate? I often say that being celibate is like gaining a third eye into the reality of things. Once you go down this road, there’s no going back. Once you see how much people are motivated solely by their sexual desires, you can’t unsee it, and I think that’s been the hardest part. The amount of people who drop you immediately upon learning that sex won’t be an instant award for their bare minimum work has been very disheartening. It’s been difficult seeing just how many men, especially, tend to only value women sexually.
What has been most rewarding about being celibate? The self-preservation! I’ve saved myself from so much heartache and pain by not subjecting my mind, heart, and body to people who didn’t deserve me because I was blinded by sex. I still have a very optimistic view of love and I have a better understanding of myself and what I do and don’t like. Celibacy gave me the chance to focus solely on me and understand my behaviors better and also change them for the better.
Have you dated during your celibacy journey and, if so, what has that experience been like? I’ve dated minimally and this is primarily due to the fact that I am very selective with who I give access to. I only date those who show a genuine interest in getting to know me as a person, not just my body. That’s meant that I haven’t dated much, but I’m at peace with that because in lieu of dating others, I’ve been dating and discovering me in this time, and it’s been an invaluable experience. I haven’t been in a rush to enter the dating world during my celibacy stint, but I do plan on dating more in the near future!
Have you explored other ways of satisfying your physical/sexual needs during this time? Self-pleasure is very important while celibate! I don’t believe in complete celibacy, if I did, I’m sure I’d be bouncing off the walls at this point! Taking the time to discover your body physically is just as important. In this time I’ve learned me from the inside out, and from the rooter to the tooter!!
When do you anticipate ending your period of celibacy, if at all? My celibacy ended at the four-year mark last year. Since then I’ve embarked on a new journey of what my life looks like when it comes to being sexually active. After four years of abstaining I am only sexually moved by people who bring more to the table than just sex. So even though I’m not actively committed to celibacy, I’m not sexually active unless I’m shown a quality reason to be.
What would be your word of advice to another woman just beginning her celibacy journey? My advice would be that you define what this period of your life looks like. As a woman, there aren’t many times in our lives (if you desire marriage and children) when you have the opportunity to focus solely on you, so take full advantage! Sure you can simply just not have sex, or you can take the real hard look at yourself and peel back your layers and begin to discover who you are, the good, bad and ugly. If you’re looking to be celibate to change, simply not having sex won’t do the work of changing for you, you have to take the action needed to make those changes on top of not having sex.
Courtesy of Valerie
Valarie, 36
Length of celibacy: My whole life
What prompted your celibacy journey? I initially was encouraged to wait until marriage by my faith growing up in a Christian church and my relationship with Christ. I want someone to really care about me before being intimate physically.
What’s been most rewarding about being celibate? Learning that there’s so much more to a person than just sex. You can become close and enjoy someone’s company and really get to know yourself and who they are outside of sex. Practicing self-control also brings about a certain level of confidence.
What’s been most difficult? The older I get, the harder it is because it feels like sex is required or at least expected. When two people are physically attracted to each other it’s a natural desire to want to express yourself sexually when dating.
Have you dated during your celibacy journey and, if so, what has that experience been like? I have and it’s been challenging to say the least, especially because the men I know who are my age or older are sexually active and not celibate.
Have you explored other ways of satisfying your physical/sexual needs during this time? Not at this time but I have in the past; it’s temporary and doesn’t really compare or take away my desire for true physical intimacy hopefully within a marriage.
When do you anticipate ending your period of celibacy, if at all? Hopefully soon when I’m married because I desire motherhood, but I have no idea; it’s above me.
What would be your word of advice to another woman just beginning her celibacy journey? Know your reasons for being celibate and find someone who respects and will honor that when dating /courting. Stay in the word and have a community of support. Focus on non-sexual activities together to increase emotional intimacy and connection. Most importantly, know that nothing is wrong with being celibate whatsoever, and don’t let nobody tell you otherwise. Your celibacy journey is unique to you; use the time focus on yourself. It’s not easy, and at times you will be disappointed and discouraged, but don’t stay down. Keep a sense humor and give yourself grace along your celibacy journey.
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Courtesy of pexels.com A couple’s sex life is one of the most important aspects to a healthy successful relationship. The act blends the mind and the body — the physical and the emotional — into one. It brings people, especially those in a relationship built off of trust and love, closer together. Since sex plays such an essential role in love and marriage, the downs of sexual desire can be daunting. When the once highly anticipated act in a relationship becomes more of a responsibility, it can put a damper on the overall experience. However, it’s important to know that having a low sex drive at any given point is not abnormal. “A low sex drive is basically you do not have as much interest in sex as you may have once had, … so a low sex drive is relative to you and your experience,” says Dr. Donna Oriowo, a sex and relationship therapist. “There's always going to be ebbs and flows in the ways that we experience our sexual desire and our libido.” Related Articles: Been Married For Years and Hit a Sexual Plateau? Consider These Tips It’s Possible! I Rekindled My Sex Life in My 30-Year Relationship The Ultimate List of Intimacy-Boosting Products for Couples External factors, such as eating habits and stress levels, all contribute to the ebbs and flows of your sex drive. Oriowo tells Black Love that these factors play into sexual response cycles, specifically William Masters and Virginia Johnson four-stage linear model. From data they collected, they found that the four stages of human sexual response are excitement, plateau, orgasm and resolution. In 1979, Helen Kaplan took it a step further, adding desire as the first stage. Oriowo says that if people experience a successful cycle and a good resolution that will increase their desire and sex drive. However, when they have a poor experience, often influenced by those hidden external factors, it can contribute to the low sex drive. In agreement with Oriowo, licensed marriage and family therapist Rabiia Ali says that when it comes to sex, everything is connected. “When one part of it is off, everything can be off,” Ali tells Black Love. “If you are experiencing stressful situations, you may not have the capacity to be able to even feel sexual or physical sexual feelings, and that definitely could impact your sex drive.” The status of your mental, physical and emotional health outside of the bedroom impacts the experience you may have within it. If you are experiencing a low sex drive, these five things may be secretly interfering with your bedroom experience. Stress Courtesy of Canva.com Stress is prevalent in the Black community, with people reporting experiencing stress at a higher rate than their white counterparts. In today’s political and social climate, people are more stressed than ever. “One of the biggest things that goes into a low self sex drive is how we're feeling,” Oriowo tells Black Love. “Now, people are experiencing more stress than they have ever experienced before. It makes sense because people are having less sex than they have ever had before.” Low Self-Esteem The way that you feel about yourself plays a major role in your performance in the bedroom. With society’s unattainable beauty standards, it’s easy to put pressure on yourself to look a certain way. Sex requires you to be in your most vulnerable state with your partner. If you are not comfortable in your looks and your own skin, you can shy away from it. Low self-esteem and confidence may be the cause of your low sex drive. Diet The foods that you eat and the amount of water you consume plays a pivotal role in your sexual performance. Alcohol, along with other drugs, could also negatively impact your sex drive. “When clients are coming in and they're saying that they are not having strong orgasms, or they're not able to get erect, one of the first things I ask them about is their water consumption and their diets,” Oriowo says. “Eat what you normally eat, and add in foods that are high in antioxidants [and that] help with blood flow.” Courtesy of Unsplash.com Lack of Interest A good sexual experience combines an emotional connection with an intense physical attraction. If you have a lower sex drive with your partner, one reason could be that you are no longer interested in them. When the connection that you are experiencing with your partner is diminishing or is lost, it can be difficult to maintain an active sex life. Fatigue When you come home after a long day of work and complete all of your household chores, you may be exhausted. Without the proper amount of rest and relaxation, your body won’t be in the best position to perform in the bedroom. Make sure to get between seven and nine hours of sleep a night. Adults who sleep less than 7 hours may have more health issues, including low sex drive.
