Courtesy of @carmen.bridgewater
Courtesy of @carmen.bridgewater
Courtesy of @carmen.bridgewater
Imagine waking up to your partner of several years and realizing you don’t enjoy having sex with them anymore. Let’s be honest, being with a partner day in and day out can get a little blah. By now, they have already shown you their best moves, the excitement has faded, their morning breath is more “morniner,” and they fart in their sleep. As a result, the two of you are now walking embodiments of B.B. King’s “The Thrill Is Gone.” But the good news is you’re not alone. Losing sexual desire for your mate isn’t uncommon, according to a study done by 2Date4Love, only 48% of women desired regular sex from their mate after four years of marriage. No one wants a sexless marriage; it just sorta happens over time. There are a multitude of reasons as to why women desire less sex throughout the duration of a marriage, but we are not here to talk about that. We are here to talk about how you can be in the 52%.
Your favorite relationship coach’s favorite relationship coach Dr. Phil once said, there is no particular number of sexual encounters that is considered “normal” for couples, married or not. Doc continues by saying couples should “negotiate” a sexual relationship that meets both of their needs. I totally agree with this because relationships are ever evolving, and as life happens desires for certain things change. As your relationship grows, you have to find new ways to meet in the middle so everyone needs can be met. This is the very reason, I believe every couple should have regular check-ins as they are essential to the longevity of any relationship.
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Learning new ways to reconnect with your partner takes time and practice, but it’s possible. Relationships are work. Not being one of the 48% in a sexless marriage is real work. I want you guys to win, so I’m going to give you a little cheat sheet on how to rekindle the passion in your relationship and overcome a sexual plateau, so you can be one of the 52% and not the 48%.
- Be More Helpful: I talk to a lot of married women and one thing I’ve learned from my many interactions with them is that married men who help around the house get more sex. Listen, it’s tiring being a woman. It’s exhausting being a woman, wife, and mom. Whew! The thought of it all makes me want to take a nap. HELP HER!!! Don’t just take my word for it. Let’s look at statistics shall we…a 2006 study reported that men who equally shared in the housework had sex on average seven times per month, twice the amount reported by couples where the woman carried most of the load. In the words of the Best Rapper Alive, Dwayne Carter, “men lie, women lie, numbers don’t…” You want to have more sex, help out.
- Take Sex Off the Table: Now hear me out. Before you start giving me that crazy look. Yes, that look. Not having sex can actually strengthen the intimacy in your relationship, just ask Terry Crews and his wife. They went on a 90 day sex fast that deepened their desire for one another. I know it sounds a bit counterproductive to say the way to increase sex in a relationship is by stopping it, but sometimes removing the pressure of having sex can help rekindle romance and connection. Relearning each other and finding new ways to connect outside of sex can do wonders for intimacy.
- Be Spontaneous: Change up the routine. A surprise here and there can put a bit of excitement back into a relationship. Plan a surprise trip, buy a surprise gift, plan a special dinner, pop by their work to see them. Do something that is different from the norm. Break the routine.
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- Schedule Sex: I know, I know….. I literally just told you not to have sex and now I’m telling you to make sex a priority. Let me explain, planning sex is not the sexiest, but it does help the relationship stay active. Early on in relationships, sex is an automatic priority, because it’s exciting, new, and fun. As the relationship grows, it becomes harder to focus on sex because life happens. Scheduled sex is simply a promise to make time for one another. It’s also a lot better than having no sex. By dedicating certain nights out of the week as “sex nights” you are letting your partner know you desire them and want to make them feel special.
- Be Honest: This is probably the most important tip on the list. In order to improve the sex, you’re getting you to have to be honest about the sex your currently having. Telling someone that you don’t enjoy them sexually is hard and it can be ego-crushing however, it’s a conversation that must be had. The key to being honest without hurting someone’s feelings is in the delivery. Have you ever heard the saying, “it’s not what you say but how you say it?” How you talk to your partner is critical in order to be heard. You always lead with a positive before talking about a negative. Give a compliment on something that you like. They do something you like, right? If so, start with that. For example, I enjoy your sweet kisses on my neck, it really gets me going. By leading with a compliment, it lets them know that you do enjoy some parts of the sex. After you state what you like, then go into what you dislike. For example, we always do missionary. I would like it if maybe we could try doggy style more often, I can feel it more on my g-spot when you hit it from the back.
Remember, just because the honeymoon may be over, that doesn’t mean the spark has to go out too. Take these tips for overcoming a sexual plateau and break out of your relationship rut, reconnect with your partner, and rekindle passion that brought you together in the first place.
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Hey y'all - I'm Coco, The Conversational Freak, your intimate health and behavior coach, and I've unfortunately witnessed too many women suffer in silence, struggle with body positivity, and deal with the daily nuances of being a woman
From luxurious candles that fill the room with warmth to thoughtful gadgets that keep the connection strong, these products are designed to enhance those intimate moments.
Courtesy of pexels.com A couple’s sex life is one of the most important aspects to a healthy successful relationship. The act blends the mind and the body — the physical and the emotional — into one. It brings people, especially those in a relationship built off of trust and love, closer together. Since sex plays such an essential role in love and marriage, the downs of sexual desire can be daunting. When the once highly anticipated act in a relationship becomes more of a responsibility, it can put a damper on the overall experience. However, it’s important to know that having a low sex drive at any given point is not abnormal. “A low sex drive is basically you do not have as much interest in sex as you may have once had, … so a low sex drive is relative to you and your experience,” says Dr. Donna Oriowo, a sex and relationship therapist. “There's always going to be ebbs and flows in the ways that we experience our sexual desire and our libido.” Related Articles: Been Married For Years and Hit a Sexual Plateau? Consider These Tips It’s Possible! I Rekindled My Sex Life in My 30-Year Relationship The Ultimate List of Intimacy-Boosting Products for Couples External factors, such as eating habits and stress levels, all contribute to the ebbs and flows of your sex drive. Oriowo tells Black Love that these factors play into sexual response cycles, specifically William Masters and Virginia Johnson four-stage linear model. From data they collected, they found that the four stages of human sexual response are excitement, plateau, orgasm and resolution. In 1979, Helen Kaplan took it a step further, adding desire as the first stage. Oriowo says that if people experience a successful cycle and a good resolution that will increase their desire and sex drive. However, when they have a poor experience, often influenced by those hidden external factors, it can contribute to the low sex drive. In agreement with Oriowo, licensed marriage and family therapist Rabiia Ali says that when it comes to sex, everything is connected. “When one part of it is off, everything can be off,” Ali tells Black Love. “If you are experiencing stressful situations, you may not have the capacity to be able to even feel sexual or physical sexual feelings, and that definitely could impact your sex drive.” The status of your mental, physical and emotional health outside of the bedroom impacts the experience you may have within it. If you are experiencing a low sex drive, these five things may be secretly interfering with your bedroom experience. Stress Courtesy of Canva.com Stress is prevalent in the Black community, with people reporting experiencing stress at a higher rate than their white counterparts. In today’s political and social climate, people are more stressed than ever. “One of the biggest things that goes into a low self sex drive is how we're feeling,” Oriowo tells Black Love. “Now, people are experiencing more stress than they have ever experienced before. It makes sense because people are having less sex than they have ever had before.” Low Self-Esteem The way that you feel about yourself plays a major role in your performance in the bedroom. With society’s unattainable beauty standards, it’s easy to put pressure on yourself to look a certain way. Sex requires you to be in your most vulnerable state with your partner. If you are not comfortable in your looks and your own skin, you can shy away from it. Low self-esteem and confidence may be the cause of your low sex drive. Diet The foods that you eat and the amount of water you consume plays a pivotal role in your sexual performance. Alcohol, along with other drugs, could also negatively impact your sex drive. “When clients are coming in and they're saying that they are not having strong orgasms, or they're not able to get erect, one of the first things I ask them about is their water consumption and their diets,” Oriowo says. “Eat what you normally eat, and add in foods that are high in antioxidants [and that] help with blood flow.” Courtesy of Unsplash.com Lack of Interest A good sexual experience combines an emotional connection with an intense physical attraction. If you have a lower sex drive with your partner, one reason could be that you are no longer interested in them. When the connection that you are experiencing with your partner is diminishing or is lost, it can be difficult to maintain an active sex life. Fatigue When you come home after a long day of work and complete all of your household chores, you may be exhausted. Without the proper amount of rest and relaxation, your body won’t be in the best position to perform in the bedroom. Make sure to get between seven and nine hours of sleep a night. Adults who sleep less than 7 hours may have more health issues, including low sex drive.
