Courtesy of Sean Howard
Courtesy of Sean Howard
George M. Johnson (Courtesy of Sean Howard)
On November 19, 2010, George M. Johnson was diagnosed HIV positive at 25 years of age. They described living with their diagnosis as being in silence, waiting for their mortality, daily. Three years later, George would become undetectable after receiving treatment and began on a path to helping educate others while having a better understanding that they could live and thrive.
“I had to think about how I was going to date or how I was going to disclose. I think the biggest issue is disclosure because you haven’t fully come to terms with your diagnosis, and now–how do I knowingly tell someone who I just met or haven’t quite built that trust with?,” Johnson said.
Out of 50 states, 37 have criminalized HIV exposure and 21 states require people who are HIV positive to disclose their status to their sexual partners. Coming to terms with the status can be extremely disconcerting, but similar to George, there are many people living, blossoming, and learning to love themselves, while building the blocks to opening themselves to love others.
Self-Love After Diagnosis
George affirms that they were not immediately comfortable with their diagnosis, but offers tools that allowed them to begin to feel whole.
- Do more research. The more information one has about their diagnosis, treatment, and resources, the more steps they can take in feeling wholeness.
- Take the time with yourself. As any new news that alters the direction of how we believe our lives should be, it’s important to sit with it and give yourself grace.
- Disclosure isn’t always easy, but becomes easier after each time. You get to decide when you’re ready to disclose and never allow someone to “out” you or shame you while you are working through your own self-love journey.
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Dating is Not Off the Table
As a queer person, George has seen instances where people have often stigmatized others living with HIV. With dating apps such as Jack or Grindr, some people choose to communicate their disinterest in dating someone HIV positive. In other circumstances, conversations around disclosing someone’s status can be a deterrent for closed-minded people who lack the information of where we are in 2020 in terms of what we know of HIV. And although it can be difficult, initially, it does not take dating off the table. George believes you should:
- Date when you are ready. Building the self-love and a community of support begins the steps to seeking love and partnership in the dating space.
- When dating while HIV positive, seeing someone who is also HIV+ may be easier, comforting, and an experience that allows both parties to grow together. Dating someone that understands exactly what HIV is because they, too, are living with their diagnosis can alleviate having to constantly educate your partner on the disease.
- Have open conversations around boundaries in terms of what’s off the table for you in terms of your comfortability in discussing your status. Disclosing to someone you’re dating doesn’t mean they have the right to openly disclose your status to others (even family, friends, etc.)
- Never settle, even if you have internalized you are not worthy of being loved in the right way by the right person–you are deserving and worthy.
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Healthy Sexual Relationships
For those who are educated and well-informed on HIV, it is known that someone HIV+ people can have a very healthy sex life without transmitting the disease.
- Educating yourself and finding resources to help you navigate a healthy sexual experience can lessen the stress.
- Have active conversations with the person you are having sex with including a collective decision on condom usage to give everyone a choice on whether to partake or not.
- Nearly 1 in 7 Black Americans are living with HIV and are not aware of their positive status. George also offers that you should engage everyone as though they are HIV+, even without disclosure.
Courtesy of Sean Howard
Counselors are well-equipped and readily available with information while being a great resource that George believes can help everyone who has questions and would like to learn more about having a healthy sexual relationship with your partner.
“People need to learn balance and how to have certain conversations properly. LGBTQ organizations always have sexual checklists and documents of what to ask and how to ask it, which are not a limited resource to just that community. And if you are positive, make sure you’re getting your labs quarterly. If you’re not positive but sexually active, make sure you’re getting tested for not just HIV but also other STD’s and STI’s to hold yourself accountable for your own sexual health.”
Ultimately, George firmly declares that no one should ever try and fill a void with another person. Self-love is always the best love and it’s better to wait for your better whole, than someone who’s not coming to the table having done their own self-work because everyone doesn’t have a storybook partnership and some are meant to expand options outside of marriage and monogamous relationships if that’s not a standard they can’t upkeep.
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Hey y'all - I'm Coco, The Conversational Freak, your intimate health and behavior coach, and I've unfortunately witnessed too many women suffer in silence, struggle with body positivity, and deal with the daily nuances of being a woman
From luxurious candles that fill the room with warmth to thoughtful gadgets that keep the connection strong, these products are designed to enhance those intimate moments.
Courtesy of pexels.com A couple’s sex life is one of the most important aspects to a healthy successful relationship. The act blends the mind and the body — the physical and the emotional — into one. It brings people, especially those in a relationship built off of trust and love, closer together. Since sex plays such an essential role in love and marriage, the downs of sexual desire can be daunting. When the once highly anticipated act in a relationship becomes more of a responsibility, it can put a damper on the overall experience. However, it’s important to know that having a low sex drive at any given point is not abnormal. “A low sex drive is basically you do not have as much interest in sex as you may have once had, … so a low sex drive is relative to you and your experience,” says Dr. Donna Oriowo, a sex and relationship therapist. “There's always going to be ebbs and flows in the ways that we experience our sexual desire and our libido.” Related Articles: Been Married For Years and Hit a Sexual Plateau? Consider These Tips It’s Possible! I Rekindled My Sex Life in My 30-Year Relationship The Ultimate List of Intimacy-Boosting Products for Couples External factors, such as eating habits and stress levels, all contribute to the ebbs and flows of your sex drive. Oriowo tells Black Love that these factors play into sexual response cycles, specifically William Masters and Virginia Johnson four-stage linear model. From data they collected, they found that the four stages of human sexual response are excitement, plateau, orgasm and resolution. In 1979, Helen Kaplan took it a step further, adding desire as the first stage. Oriowo says that if people experience a successful cycle and a good resolution that will increase their desire and sex drive. However, when they have a poor experience, often influenced by those hidden external factors, it can contribute to the low sex drive. In agreement with Oriowo, licensed marriage and family therapist Rabiia Ali says that when it comes to sex, everything is connected. “When one part of it is off, everything can be off,” Ali tells Black Love. “If you are experiencing stressful situations, you may not have the capacity to be able to even feel sexual or physical sexual feelings, and that definitely could impact your sex drive.” The status of your mental, physical and emotional health outside of the bedroom impacts the experience you may have within it. If you are experiencing a low sex drive, these five things may be secretly interfering with your bedroom experience. Stress Courtesy of Canva.com Stress is prevalent in the Black community, with people reporting experiencing stress at a higher rate than their white counterparts. In today’s political and social climate, people are more stressed than ever. “One of the biggest things that goes into a low self sex drive is how we're feeling,” Oriowo tells Black Love. “Now, people are experiencing more stress than they have ever experienced before. It makes sense because people are having less sex than they have ever had before.” Low Self-Esteem The way that you feel about yourself plays a major role in your performance in the bedroom. With society’s unattainable beauty standards, it’s easy to put pressure on yourself to look a certain way. Sex requires you to be in your most vulnerable state with your partner. If you are not comfortable in your looks and your own skin, you can shy away from it. Low self-esteem and confidence may be the cause of your low sex drive. Diet The foods that you eat and the amount of water you consume plays a pivotal role in your sexual performance. Alcohol, along with other drugs, could also negatively impact your sex drive. “When clients are coming in and they're saying that they are not having strong orgasms, or they're not able to get erect, one of the first things I ask them about is their water consumption and their diets,” Oriowo says. “Eat what you normally eat, and add in foods that are high in antioxidants [and that] help with blood flow.” Courtesy of Unsplash.com Lack of Interest A good sexual experience combines an emotional connection with an intense physical attraction. If you have a lower sex drive with your partner, one reason could be that you are no longer interested in them. When the connection that you are experiencing with your partner is diminishing or is lost, it can be difficult to maintain an active sex life. Fatigue When you come home after a long day of work and complete all of your household chores, you may be exhausted. Without the proper amount of rest and relaxation, your body won’t be in the best position to perform in the bedroom. Make sure to get between seven and nine hours of sleep a night. Adults who sleep less than 7 hours may have more health issues, including low sex drive.
