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I’ve heard that millennials have all the casual sex in the world. That we’ve redefined hook-up culture, and talk to strangers on dating apps more than we do our parents. Granted, I’m sure those stereotypes exist, but I can’t relate because, at twenty-seven-years-old, I’ve been celibate for more than four years. This lifestyle definitely sought me out, because I certainly didn’t see myself voluntarily giving up sex in my early twenties. Back in college before I broke things off with my then ex, a friend randomly suggested I read “The Wait: A Powerful Practice for Finding the Love of Your Life and the Life You Love.” This book was written by celebrity couple Devon Franklin and Meagan Good on their experience of waiting to have sex until marriage.
Initially, I straight up told her hell, NO! I didn’t want to hand over my freedom, and at the time, I hoped to work things out with my ex. Once it became clear that our relationship was beyond repair, I leaped and settled into my new routine of celibacy after a breakup. Choosing to abstain from sex was the best decision I’ve ever made. Still, surprisingly the benefits have had very little to do with what I thought would happen (me manifesting the love of my life) and everything to do with what I’ve discovered about myself in the process. So, let’s dive in and talk about what I’ve learned.
My Mind is Sharper When I’m Practicing Self-Control
What I’ve learned about celibacy after a breakup is that this lifestyle doesn’t take away your desire for sex. Instead, it challenges you to keep your long term goals in mind, which is what self-control is all about. Since I’ve become celibate, I started a business, lost over 60 lbs naturally, and went back to school for my master’s degree. All of those things require immense self-control. Self-control I didn’t possess when I was sexually active. Much like anything that requires you to practice discipline (fitness goals, preparation for an exam, motherhood, marriage, etc.). I’ve discovered that what I needed to learn was how to set boundaries with myself at times.
God and I Communicate Very Well When I’m Paying Attention to Him
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My relationship with God is one that I value above everything, but I didn’t interact with him properly until recently. Before celibacy, I thought I was a good Christian because I went to church every Sunday and tithed, but I had no real relationship with this man that I told everyone I loved so freely.
Years into celibacy, it hit me that all I had done was sacrifice things I thought he wanted, but I still wasn’t talking with him. I’d never asked him why he put me on this earth, and what his plans were outside of what I told him I wanted. Spending real time with God was a huge turning point for me; it’s become my favorite self-care ritual, and we discuss everything together now.
As a bonus, read the book “Relationship Goals: How to Win at Love, Marriage, and Sex” by Michael Todd and watch his sermon series on YouTube. You can thank me later!
Related Articles:
I Am Free to Have All the Sex I Want, So Why Am I Choosing Celibacy
The Black Love Guide to Love, Sex and Intimacy
This Sexuality Doula Wants You to Stop Saying Yes to Sex Your Body is Saying No To
What I Want in a Partner Has Changed Significantly
I read this quote that said, “When you learn to love yourself, your taste in men will change,” and it’s the truth. My requirements for men at one point were that I just wanted to be with someone who loved me for me. And although that’s great, it isn’t enough to build a life with someone. Now, I want a man who has a strong relationship with God, has self-control, is actively working towards his purpose, and [actually] wants to be in a healthy marriage.
I’m More Than Capable of Taking Care of Myself
Often we can feel like we don’t know who we are after a long-term relationship, but there’s beauty in the realization that at one point, you were a whole person. Living, breathing and functioning happily before you ever met your ex-lover. Learning to trust my decision-making as I rediscovered old hobbies and fell in love with new ones empowered me to realize that although I’d been co-dependent, I was quite capable of taking care of myself, on my own.
My Ex Wasn’t the Problem
I’d feel better about myself if I blamed my ex for everything and took no accountability for my actions, but healing doesn’t reside there, ego does. It took years of therapy and overall growth as a person to realize I’d never taken the time to be alone because I’d been in long-term relationships since I was twelve-years-old.
As toxic as my last relationship was, the dysfunction wasn’t the issue – my poor decision making was. When you date hoping to fill the voids that childhood trauma left, pain is inevitable, and rarely do you ever get to know who they genuinely are. You’re often preoccupied with demanding them to help you unpack your emotional baggage.
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My Weakness is the Strongest Thing About Me
I used to hide behind the things about me that I didn’t like, I’m naturally introverted, but I’m also outspoken and overly transparent once I’m comfortable. Allowing myself to lean into that vulnerability, allowed me to hold space for the fullness of who I am, and encourage other Black women to do the same.
Although I miss sex at times (because sexual urges are real) I’ve built a life that I can be proud of that isn’t worth anything that I gave up when I made that choice.
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Hey y'all - I'm Coco, The Conversational Freak, your intimate health and behavior coach, and I've unfortunately witnessed too many women suffer in silence, struggle with body positivity, and deal with the daily nuances of being a woman
From luxurious candles that fill the room with warmth to thoughtful gadgets that keep the connection strong, these products are designed to enhance those intimate moments.
Courtesy of pexels.com A couple’s sex life is one of the most important aspects to a healthy successful relationship. The act blends the mind and the body — the physical and the emotional — into one. It brings people, especially those in a relationship built off of trust and love, closer together. Since sex plays such an essential role in love and marriage, the downs of sexual desire can be daunting. When the once highly anticipated act in a relationship becomes more of a responsibility, it can put a damper on the overall experience. However, it’s important to know that having a low sex drive at any given point is not abnormal. “A low sex drive is basically you do not have as much interest in sex as you may have once had, … so a low sex drive is relative to you and your experience,” says Dr. Donna Oriowo, a sex and relationship therapist. “There's always going to be ebbs and flows in the ways that we experience our sexual desire and our libido.” Related Articles: Been Married For Years and Hit a Sexual Plateau? Consider These Tips It’s Possible! I Rekindled My Sex Life in My 30-Year Relationship The Ultimate List of Intimacy-Boosting Products for Couples External factors, such as eating habits and stress levels, all contribute to the ebbs and flows of your sex drive. Oriowo tells Black Love that these factors play into sexual response cycles, specifically William Masters and Virginia Johnson four-stage linear model. From data they collected, they found that the four stages of human sexual response are excitement, plateau, orgasm and resolution. In 1979, Helen Kaplan took it a step further, adding desire as the first stage. Oriowo says that if people experience a successful cycle and a good resolution that will increase their desire and sex drive. However, when they have a poor experience, often influenced by those hidden external factors, it can contribute to the low sex drive. In agreement with Oriowo, licensed marriage and family therapist Rabiia Ali says that when it comes to sex, everything is connected. “When one part of it is off, everything can be off,” Ali tells Black Love. “If you are experiencing stressful situations, you may not have the capacity to be able to even feel sexual or physical sexual feelings, and that definitely could impact your sex drive.” The status of your mental, physical and emotional health outside of the bedroom impacts the experience you may have within it. If you are experiencing a low sex drive, these five things may be secretly interfering with your bedroom experience. Stress Courtesy of Canva.com Stress is prevalent in the Black community, with people reporting experiencing stress at a higher rate than their white counterparts. In today’s political and social climate, people are more stressed than ever. “One of the biggest things that goes into a low self sex drive is how we're feeling,” Oriowo tells Black Love. “Now, people are experiencing more stress than they have ever experienced before. It makes sense because people are having less sex than they have ever had before.” Low Self-Esteem The way that you feel about yourself plays a major role in your performance in the bedroom. With society’s unattainable beauty standards, it’s easy to put pressure on yourself to look a certain way. Sex requires you to be in your most vulnerable state with your partner. If you are not comfortable in your looks and your own skin, you can shy away from it. Low self-esteem and confidence may be the cause of your low sex drive. Diet The foods that you eat and the amount of water you consume plays a pivotal role in your sexual performance. Alcohol, along with other drugs, could also negatively impact your sex drive. “When clients are coming in and they're saying that they are not having strong orgasms, or they're not able to get erect, one of the first things I ask them about is their water consumption and their diets,” Oriowo says. “Eat what you normally eat, and add in foods that are high in antioxidants [and that] help with blood flow.” Courtesy of Unsplash.com Lack of Interest A good sexual experience combines an emotional connection with an intense physical attraction. If you have a lower sex drive with your partner, one reason could be that you are no longer interested in them. When the connection that you are experiencing with your partner is diminishing or is lost, it can be difficult to maintain an active sex life. Fatigue When you come home after a long day of work and complete all of your household chores, you may be exhausted. Without the proper amount of rest and relaxation, your body won’t be in the best position to perform in the bedroom. Make sure to get between seven and nine hours of sleep a night. Adults who sleep less than 7 hours may have more health issues, including low sex drive.
