Photo courtesy of Ayana Iman
Photo courtesy of Ayana Iman
Photo courtesy of Ayana Iman
Quarantine has caused a shift in the way we interact in our day-to-day. Technology has increased our capacity to link, share, and mobilize, allowing us to stay connected to our loved ones both near and far. If you’re apart from your significant other, you have quite a few options, including text messaging, video chat, voice memos, Zoom or a simple phone call.
However, sometimes depending on the situation, when we try to use these communication tools to express our deeper emotions, it can ultimately lead us down a road of miscommunication. Imagine having a disagreement through a text messaging thread because your message wasn’t communicated properly or taken out of context so the receiver didn’t quite understand your perspective. These are the simple SMCR rules, which stands for Sender Message Channel Receiver, and represents the process and phenomenon of communication.
What started as an exercise to salvage our relationship turned into a transparent and honest dialogue.
Photo courtesy of Ayana Iman
Because the foundational communication elements are crucial for healthy relationships, why aren’t more people choosing the right channels to communicate their thoughts and feelings effectively? Most people aren’t professional communicators, and human emotions can affect how we share things. When tensions are high, I suggest taking a moment to collect yourself before doing anything else. This way, you can process and understand what’s happening. Next, think about if you’ll be able to keep calm during a conversation. Be honest with yourself if you know that you’re liable to resort to negativity; instead, put pen to paper and try writing a letter.
Love letters are highly underutilized. A love letter may be anything from a short and simple message of affection to a lengthy explanation of feelings in a traditional sense. To resolve issues, you can use the letters to communicate what you would like to change. I know it may seem counterproductive when you desire a quick resolve, but the goal isn’t a quick fix, it’s establishing a deeper connection with your loved ones.
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I’ve benefited from the exchange of love letters in my relationship. My partner is an introvert, and I’m an extrovert; the way we communicate is different. Previously, when we hit a rough patch in our relationship, talking it out wasn’t helping, because neither one of us was listening. As a part of our healing journey, we committed to 30 days of love letters. He wrote me a letter a day, and I responded.
As a professionally trained communicator and life coach, sharing comes naturally to me. And by having him take the lead on writing the letters, it helped level the playing field. What started as an exercise to salvage our relationship turned into a transparent and honest dialogue. We shared our needs, fears, and desires for each other. Unfortunately, there was never a moment in our relationship where we had the time to digest and process how our actions were the direct result of past trauma and preconceived bias. At the end of our 30 days, it was clear we both wanted to make our relationship work, and we needed to be more mindful of our actions. After five years of dating, we’re now engaged.
In an era of quarantine and social distancing, I believe it’s the best time to refresh your relationship by recreating the rules of engagement.
Photo courtesy of Ayana Iman
Our love letters have amplified our sense of connection and emotional intimacy. During this extended time spent in quarantine, conversations have been much more productive. We are both fully present and informed of each other’s feelings without reservation and with complete transparency.
While having the time and space, I encourage you to start writing letters to and with your significant other. It’s a total game-changer! In an era of quarantine and social distancing, I believe it’s both beneficial and the best time to refresh your relationship by recreating the rules of engagement. The first step is to ask yourself, will this letter be written by hand, via notes or an email? Then start writing! There’s no expected word count, and if you find yourself stumped on what to say, start with the “Why.” I learned that focusing on ‘I-statements’ gives you the ability to take ownership of your feelings and helps reduce nitpicking. But I must warn you to be prepared to talk extensively after sharing your letters with each other to help continue breaking down those communication walls and barriers.
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Hey y'all - I'm Coco, The Conversational Freak, your intimate health and behavior coach, and I've unfortunately witnessed too many women suffer in silence, struggle with body positivity, and deal with the daily nuances of being a woman
From luxurious candles that fill the room with warmth to thoughtful gadgets that keep the connection strong, these products are designed to enhance those intimate moments.
Courtesy of pexels.com A couple’s sex life is one of the most important aspects to a healthy successful relationship. The act blends the mind and the body — the physical and the emotional — into one. It brings people, especially those in a relationship built off of trust and love, closer together. Since sex plays such an essential role in love and marriage, the downs of sexual desire can be daunting. When the once highly anticipated act in a relationship becomes more of a responsibility, it can put a damper on the overall experience. However, it’s important to know that having a low sex drive at any given point is not abnormal. “A low sex drive is basically you do not have as much interest in sex as you may have once had, … so a low sex drive is relative to you and your experience,” says Dr. Donna Oriowo, a sex and relationship therapist. “There's always going to be ebbs and flows in the ways that we experience our sexual desire and our libido.” Related Articles: Been Married For Years and Hit a Sexual Plateau? Consider These Tips It’s Possible! I Rekindled My Sex Life in My 30-Year Relationship The Ultimate List of Intimacy-Boosting Products for Couples External factors, such as eating habits and stress levels, all contribute to the ebbs and flows of your sex drive. Oriowo tells Black Love that these factors play into sexual response cycles, specifically William Masters and Virginia Johnson four-stage linear model. From data they collected, they found that the four stages of human sexual response are excitement, plateau, orgasm and resolution. In 1979, Helen Kaplan took it a step further, adding desire as the first stage. Oriowo says that if people experience a successful cycle and a good resolution that will increase their desire and sex drive. However, when they have a poor experience, often influenced by those hidden external factors, it can contribute to the low sex drive. In agreement with Oriowo, licensed marriage and family therapist Rabiia Ali says that when it comes to sex, everything is connected. “When one part of it is off, everything can be off,” Ali tells Black Love. “If you are experiencing stressful situations, you may not have the capacity to be able to even feel sexual or physical sexual feelings, and that definitely could impact your sex drive.” The status of your mental, physical and emotional health outside of the bedroom impacts the experience you may have within it. If you are experiencing a low sex drive, these five things may be secretly interfering with your bedroom experience. Stress Courtesy of Canva.com Stress is prevalent in the Black community, with people reporting experiencing stress at a higher rate than their white counterparts. In today’s political and social climate, people are more stressed than ever. “One of the biggest things that goes into a low self sex drive is how we're feeling,” Oriowo tells Black Love. “Now, people are experiencing more stress than they have ever experienced before. It makes sense because people are having less sex than they have ever had before.” Low Self-Esteem The way that you feel about yourself plays a major role in your performance in the bedroom. With society’s unattainable beauty standards, it’s easy to put pressure on yourself to look a certain way. Sex requires you to be in your most vulnerable state with your partner. If you are not comfortable in your looks and your own skin, you can shy away from it. Low self-esteem and confidence may be the cause of your low sex drive. Diet The foods that you eat and the amount of water you consume plays a pivotal role in your sexual performance. Alcohol, along with other drugs, could also negatively impact your sex drive. “When clients are coming in and they're saying that they are not having strong orgasms, or they're not able to get erect, one of the first things I ask them about is their water consumption and their diets,” Oriowo says. “Eat what you normally eat, and add in foods that are high in antioxidants [and that] help with blood flow.” Courtesy of Unsplash.com Lack of Interest A good sexual experience combines an emotional connection with an intense physical attraction. If you have a lower sex drive with your partner, one reason could be that you are no longer interested in them. When the connection that you are experiencing with your partner is diminishing or is lost, it can be difficult to maintain an active sex life. Fatigue When you come home after a long day of work and complete all of your household chores, you may be exhausted. Without the proper amount of rest and relaxation, your body won’t be in the best position to perform in the bedroom. Make sure to get between seven and nine hours of sleep a night. Adults who sleep less than 7 hours may have more health issues, including low sex drive.
