Couple hugging (Photo courtesy of rawpixel.com)
Courtesy of rawpixel.com
Credit: Ashley Thues
This year, my husband James and I will celebrate nine years of marriage. When I reflect on our relationship and what was required for us to get to this point, I revert to a central theme revolving around vulnerability. We evolved significantly from when we first began dating in our early twenties until now. But building the emotional intimacy that had to take place laid the framework for who we would become as a couple, and eventually, a family unit.
Although we attended high school together, we didn’t run in the same circle. We reconnected shortly after I graduated from Howard University when I returned home to Detroit one weekend, and we both happened to be at the same party. He approached me, we exchanged information, but honestly, I wasn’t expecting it to go anywhere. I was leaving in a couple of days, and in a few weeks, he would be going to play basketball overseas.
The emotional evolution that had to take place laid the framework for who we would become as a couple, and eventually, a family unit.
Credit: Ashley Thues
We talked on the phone that evening, and what stood out to me was the sense of ease throughout our conversation. It was clear very early on; there was something magnetic about our connection. Deep down, in my core, I knew my feelings were far more intense than I admitted or could even comprehend. What is one to do in a situation like this? You can either lean into your emotions or exercise caution.
As great as everything seemed to be going, fear definitely crept in. There were aspects of our relationship that I was uncomfortable with; for example, James had a young child from a previous relationship. No one I’d ever dated had children. My initial thoughts were, does this automatically come with drama? After all, I was entirely too young to become a stepmother. Also, we were living on different continents, and separate time zones, so the ability to stay synced as a couple was extremely challenging. How would this work?
Related: The “V” Word: Vulnerability
I had an amazing job at my dream company, so professionally, things couldn’t have been better. Was I supposed to give all of that up to become someone’s wife and move across the globe? Only to be solely dependent on him and his situation? In retrospect, there was a bit of self-sabotage taking place. Unfortunately, I abruptly ended the relationship and decided to take the safe route.
This decision would prove to have a bearing on our relationship in the years to come. James was hurt, blindsided, and taken aback, which resulted in resentment and anger on both of our parts. The two of us moved on with our lives, dated other people, and adjusted to new cities; it seemed to be the end of our story.
Time does heal a lot, but the real healing happens when you are honest with yourself and others about your feelings.
My internal compass is usually guided by what feels right, so emotional and spiritual alignment is essential to me. I believe in fate and the saying “what is meant to be, will be.” So, when James and I moved to the same city, it was only a matter of time before that gravitational force guided us back toward each other. Time does heal a lot, but the real healing happens when you are honest with yourself and others about your feelings.
To that end, what transpired next was a series of events that occur when there is a violation of trust and the refusal to be vulnerable. It was at this moment that I learned how dangerous unaddressed issues could profoundly affect a relationship. Again, instead of continuing the same cycle of trying or wanting to hurt the other person by inflicting the same pain experienced, we decided to end things and distance ourselves from each other for good. Or so we thought.
Related: Making Our Love Last Beyond ‘I Do’
Credit: Ashley Thues
A few years passed, and our friend “fate” would once more, pull us back together. One night we ran into each other and ended up having a genuine, open, and honest conversation. It was one of those really uncomfortable discussions! But this time, we were done playing games. We needed to decide whether or not we continued the cycle or if we were ready to evolve, not just individually but as a couple.
The truth is you can only run from your feelings for so long. It’s a must to step out of fear and have those intense conversations that propel you forward. I’m proud to say, James and I did exactly that. We chose to go all in! It was James who made it very clear and left me with the ultimatum either “We Are,” or “We Aren’t,” and if “We Are,” then we have to be one hundred percent vulnerable with one another.
I learned how dangerous unaddressed issues could profoundly affect a relationship.
Once those walls were down, we were able to soar. The safe space we created, anchored us, and continues to do so while navigating everything that life has thrown our way. From adjusting to married life, becoming a blended family, career ups and downs, expanding our family, and relocations, you name it; we’ve experienced it all. Deep love can only be accomplished with emotional intimacy because, without it, there is no chance for your relationship to thrive. James is my safe haven through life’s trials and tribulations, and I am forever grateful we were able to arrive at this point.
Related Articles
Hey y'all - I'm Coco, The Conversational Freak, your intimate health and behavior coach, and I've unfortunately witnessed too many women suffer in silence, struggle with body positivity, and deal with the daily nuances of being a woman
From luxurious candles that fill the room with warmth to thoughtful gadgets that keep the connection strong, these products are designed to enhance those intimate moments.
Courtesy of pexels.com A couple’s sex life is one of the most important aspects to a healthy successful relationship. The act blends the mind and the body — the physical and the emotional — into one. It brings people, especially those in a relationship built off of trust and love, closer together. Since sex plays such an essential role in love and marriage, the downs of sexual desire can be daunting. When the once highly anticipated act in a relationship becomes more of a responsibility, it can put a damper on the overall experience. However, it’s important to know that having a low sex drive at any given point is not abnormal. “A low sex drive is basically you do not have as much interest in sex as you may have once had, … so a low sex drive is relative to you and your experience,” says Dr. Donna Oriowo, a sex and relationship therapist. “There's always going to be ebbs and flows in the ways that we experience our sexual desire and our libido.” Related Articles: Been Married For Years and Hit a Sexual Plateau? Consider These Tips It’s Possible! I Rekindled My Sex Life in My 30-Year Relationship The Ultimate List of Intimacy-Boosting Products for Couples External factors, such as eating habits and stress levels, all contribute to the ebbs and flows of your sex drive. Oriowo tells Black Love that these factors play into sexual response cycles, specifically William Masters and Virginia Johnson four-stage linear model. From data they collected, they found that the four stages of human sexual response are excitement, plateau, orgasm and resolution. In 1979, Helen Kaplan took it a step further, adding desire as the first stage. Oriowo says that if people experience a successful cycle and a good resolution that will increase their desire and sex drive. However, when they have a poor experience, often influenced by those hidden external factors, it can contribute to the low sex drive. In agreement with Oriowo, licensed marriage and family therapist Rabiia Ali says that when it comes to sex, everything is connected. “When one part of it is off, everything can be off,” Ali tells Black Love. “If you are experiencing stressful situations, you may not have the capacity to be able to even feel sexual or physical sexual feelings, and that definitely could impact your sex drive.” The status of your mental, physical and emotional health outside of the bedroom impacts the experience you may have within it. If you are experiencing a low sex drive, these five things may be secretly interfering with your bedroom experience. Stress Courtesy of Canva.com Stress is prevalent in the Black community, with people reporting experiencing stress at a higher rate than their white counterparts. In today’s political and social climate, people are more stressed than ever. “One of the biggest things that goes into a low self sex drive is how we're feeling,” Oriowo tells Black Love. “Now, people are experiencing more stress than they have ever experienced before. It makes sense because people are having less sex than they have ever had before.” Low Self-Esteem The way that you feel about yourself plays a major role in your performance in the bedroom. With society’s unattainable beauty standards, it’s easy to put pressure on yourself to look a certain way. Sex requires you to be in your most vulnerable state with your partner. If you are not comfortable in your looks and your own skin, you can shy away from it. Low self-esteem and confidence may be the cause of your low sex drive. Diet The foods that you eat and the amount of water you consume plays a pivotal role in your sexual performance. Alcohol, along with other drugs, could also negatively impact your sex drive. “When clients are coming in and they're saying that they are not having strong orgasms, or they're not able to get erect, one of the first things I ask them about is their water consumption and their diets,” Oriowo says. “Eat what you normally eat, and add in foods that are high in antioxidants [and that] help with blood flow.” Courtesy of Unsplash.com Lack of Interest A good sexual experience combines an emotional connection with an intense physical attraction. If you have a lower sex drive with your partner, one reason could be that you are no longer interested in them. When the connection that you are experiencing with your partner is diminishing or is lost, it can be difficult to maintain an active sex life. Fatigue When you come home after a long day of work and complete all of your household chores, you may be exhausted. Without the proper amount of rest and relaxation, your body won’t be in the best position to perform in the bedroom. Make sure to get between seven and nine hours of sleep a night. Adults who sleep less than 7 hours may have more health issues, including low sex drive.
