Introducing kink to your partner can feel extremely intimidating. Sometimes it doesn’t matter if you’ve been interested in kink for a while or trying to add some spark to your sex life — figuring out the best way to live out your “Fifty Shades of Grey” fantasies with a partner can be scary and awkward. Fear and discomfort around kink typically stems from misunderstanding what kink is, and learning together can be an amazing experience!

Kink is described easily as non-conventional sexual practices. Kink can be as simple as touching, kissing, masturbation, romantic talk or can be as extreme as BDSM ( Bondage, discipline, dominance, submission, sadism and masochism), fantasy and role-playing, fetishes, exhibitionism or voyeurism,  and group sex.

So how do you let a partner know you want to be tied up after dinner? 

Communication is key

The key to exploring the kinkier side of life with a partner is communication. To help you effectively introduce kink — without scaring your partner, here’s a list of tips and tricks for letting your freak flag fly.

The first step in communicating your kinks with a partner is to figure out what those kinks are. “Yes/No/Maybe” lists are a great and fun way to learn what you or your partner may be interested in. 

1. Write a list of kinks that you and your partner can choose from.  
2. Circle kinks that interest you, strike out the NOs, and put question marks around the maybes. 
3. Rank and categorize each act on the list by whether you want to be the giver or receiver. 

This activity is a good way to learn what turns you on and can get your partner excited about trying something they’re not used to. 

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Use pop-culture references and hypotheticals 

When you think kink, most people automatically reference “Fifty Shades of Grey.” Watching the movies, together, could be a great way to move closer into the kinky lifestyle you want. Another tip is to search out porn that explores the particular kink of interest and watch together. Using a book or movie as a reference allows you to bring up the topic in a hypothetical type of way which can be an easier way to gauge your partner’s reaction.

Start off slow

Introduce one or two kinks at a time. Doing too much, too soon, can result in an anxiety attack and full shut down. If you’re interested in paddling instead of bringing out a huge paddle start by introducing open-handed light swats on the butt. If bondage is something that interests you, start with handcuffs instead of ropes. Remember, baby steps. 

Get some toys

Throw sex toys into the mix. Adding sex toys into your sexual repertoire is a good way to provide kinkier options. Using sex toys allows exploring of new sexual sensations. Sex toys like the vibrating cock ring or a small vibrating bullet can be used on most bodies. You can also try adding a new lube into the mix as well; any new thing to turn both of you on and get you both giggling excitedly in the bedroom will make sex kinkier.

At the end of the day, this is all about exploring, so let yourself try new things even if it feels a little awkward at first. It’s equally important to note that with any aspect of kink to always have constant communication and regular check-ins — consent is key and making sure your partner is receptive is highly important.