Yvette Bennett was in an abusive relationship when a friend asked her one fateful question: “Do you love yourself?” Answering that question would transform her life into one of her dreams, it would allow her to accept her sexuality and show her the amazing rewards of unconditional self-love.
On Sunday, October 7th, couples and singles alike convened on Los Angeles, California at the W Hotel Hollywood for the first ever Black Love Summit. Codie & Tommy Oliver, the couple that created the BLACK LOVE series on the Oprah Winfrey Network (OWN) invited experts, celebrities and couples featured on the show to dig deeper into their personal stories and fellowship on fostering healthy relationships. Below are some of the highlights from this inaugural event.
Black Love Doc is back in full swing, and I am here for ALL of it. As my friends and I approach our 30’s, we’re continually thinking about marriage and being with the “right” partner, whether we admit it or not. Our clock is ticking. However, not all of that pressure is self-inflicted. Some of that pressure, especially for my friends who grew up in the South, comes from our families. Family has an important influence on the relationships we seek. In fact, sometimes that influence can be destructive. On episode two of Black Love, actors Sterling K. Brown and Ryan Michelle Bathe discussed the influence Ryan’s family had early on in their relationship: “I would say for the first, that whole year, the biggest part was how much my family, my mother and my grandmother, in particular, hated him, and they just kept [saying] It’s going to go bad’,” she continued, “It’s almost like that self-fulfilling prophecy. You can poison something and then be like ‘See, I told you it was poison’ –– yea, because you just poisoned it.” Ryan revealed that a lot of the challenges they faced were because of her family: “I will say that created the first, and sort of deep, fissure in our relationships, and had that not happened, a lot of the things that happened in our relationship, probably wouldn’t have happened.” The couple has been married for 11 years. However, Sterling and Ryan admitted for the first time on Black Love that her family impacted the effort, or lack thereof, Ryan put into their union. “I always had a wall somewhere…and one foot in and one foot out for a very long time. It was not a healthy dynamic,” she shared.
Do you realize there’s a difference between loving yourself and knowing your worth? Tina Knowles and Niecy Nash tell how learning and accepting their worth led to love the second time around. Think about it. So many women, including myself, are generally conditioned to believe that we need to attract men, and once we find a man who loves us, then we should be happy. Jaleesa Lashay Diaz, Journalist Growing up, I remember being raised on how to “behave” in order to demonstrate self-respect and carry myself with dignity. It’s not to say that dignity is a bad thing, but somehow those images of what a lady should be seemed closely aligned with the ideals of what “attracts” a man. So along with this lesson of how to “behave”, I also internalized that you need to find a man that loves you, and if you’re that lucky, cherish that man, and do whatever you can to keep him, because there’s a chance that you’ll never find that love again.
Netflix’s Nappily Ever After did a bold thing by making a movie with a talented, well-loved, veteran actress also known for being drop dead gorgeous....and stripping her of her hair. But, do you know who else was bold? Sanaa Lathan, the film’s star, who actually shaved her head for the film.
What does a 31-year-old single woman with a complicated romantic history do when she realizes, “Hey, maybe it’s me”?
“You didn’t really say anything about yourself in this.” I’d just shown my one straight, male friend my Bumble bio. We were mid-dinner and he took a break from chewing to address this. His reaction seemed to suggest that I couldn’t blame my lackluster matches on the stats for response rates to black women on dating apps -- I was, more likely, the problem. How? I wasn’t quite sure, but I needed to know. “Wait, what do you mean?” I asked. “I’m just saying your bio basically screams, ‘You’re trash., I’m certain of it.’ And gives absolutely no details about yourself.” “I said I was tall.” “True, but then you basically said, if you’re short…don’t bother. It’s like you’re trying to be funny--but from what I know about you, it’s a defense mechanism.” I was not defensive…I wanted commitment, dammit! Plus, as someone who’s had my fair share of not-so-great sexual experiences, I was totally over the arrogance of men who believed women would want to have casual sex with someone who didn’t care enough to locate the clitoris. “Look, I’m not here for ‘waste-my-time-2018.’ And most of y’all want our time and bodies for so little in return.” At this moment, he took personal offense. “That’s a bold assumption,” he shot back. “When I met my girlfriend, I was looking for something! You always say I’m the cynical one, but I don’t know…” “But wait, if I were a cheese, what would I be?” He looked at me, blinking, before returning to his ramen. He didn’t know where to begin. As someone open to criticism, I quickly took his advice and typed up a sincere account of my personal history and traits. I’m from Ohio. I ran track in college and moved to LA where I am passionately pursuing my writing career. I love the outdoors, my new puppy, spending time with family, and I am tall. He took a look at my new bio, laughed, then said, “Better. So, do you trust me?” I did. Then he got to swiping for me.
By weekday, she takes care of the kids, cleans the house, and is the consummate “PTA Mom”. But come Friday nights, the Louboutins and lipstick come out to play – and it’s none of your business whether they play nice. Ya know, being a single mom has its ups and has its downs. The all-encompassing effort is so difficult that I don't know if I'll ever find the words to describe it, but all my single moms know what I'm talking about. My kids give me so much joy; my whole life is wrapped around them. But I've found in the last 18 months that there are two very distinct Veronikas. There's the "Mom Mode" and there's the "Me Mode." And you have to protect both, you have to protect both. When I'm in "Mom Mode" somehow, no matter how exhausted I am, or how difficult my day has been, I manage to get out of bed every morning at 5:30 am. I pull my hair into a ponytail, get all five of my children dressed and ready, and am out the door no later than 6:45 am. I drive in Los Angeles traffic for over three hours a day to get kids to school, to practice, and to events. I usually have dinner cooked by noon, because if I don't, it won't be ready in time. I get all the little babies – ages two, three, and four – in the bath no later than 7:00 pm and into bed by 8:30 pm. It's not extraordinary what I do – it's necessary. It's my job. Nobody gets brownie points for going to work and doing their job. So, I do my job proudly. I do it with every fiber of my being and it is the great joy of my life to be a mother.
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