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Hey y’all – I’m Coco, The Conversational Freak, your intimate health and behavior coach, and I’ve unfortunately witnessed too many women suffer in silence, struggle with body positivity, and deal with the daily nuances of being a woman — from figuring out our bodies, understanding our pleasures, and the value and impact we have in a world that doesn’t always create room to share our experiences. So I decided to be the change I wanted to see and created Know Your Norm, a safe space for women to become experts in their own experiences. Let me warn you, though: I’m not your regular, tell-you-want-you-want-to-hear wellness coach. I’m not here to BS you! I’ve made my reputation by helping women across the globe realize their full potential in all facets of life. My priority is to help you win at love, in life, and especially in the bedroom. We’re all grown here, right? Grab some wine, snuggle up, and get ready for a ride. Pun intended.
Temperature Check: Are you ready or not?
“NOW I KNOW YOU LYING!” I can’t be the only one who sometimes struggles with communicating my exact wants, needs, and desires to my partner. If I’m being honest, I’m woman enough to admit that sometimes I need a quick orgasm and not all that hooting and hollering when it comes to having great sex. We tend to expect our partners to read our minds and get it right in the bedroom, but I’m sorry, y’all, that’s just not realistic or sustainable.
My bedroom life changed when I finally accepted the fact that men and women are just wired differently. Now, this isn’t me playing into the gender warfare currently plaguing our community, but Grandma was right, “Men are from Mars, and Women are from Venus.” We operate differently, making understanding your partner’s wants, needs, and desires even more important.
Not only did I have to learn my partner’s love language, but I also learned his apology language and his “communication language.” I’ve learned that many men don’t always communicate with words. Men are of action, service, and provision. So, in knowing that, ladies, how does your man communicate when he needs to get one off? Better yet, how do you communicate with your man when you need your back cracked? How do you temperature check?
Timing is Everything
We all have busy lives, but we still manage to find time to check in about work, bills, kids, and even what’s for dinner; but what about sex? If you’re not regularly checking in and taking inventory of where you and your partner stand on pleasure, you’re missing out and playing a dangerous game. Checking in can be as simple as asking if they have new pleasures or if old desires changed? Are they feeling satisfied? Checking the temperature isn’t just about getting what you want at the moment; it’s about making sure that every time you’re touched — it’s orgasmic.
Let’s not get it twisted; timing is also everything, and nothing is worse than killing a vibe because the timing is wrong. Have you ever been in the mood, but your partner was knee-deep in Instagram scrolling, focused on work, or engulfed in a football game? Yeah, it sucks, doesn’t it? Great sex isn’t just about skill, confidence, or pound town; it’s also about reading the room. Timing is everything, so know how and when to make your move and when to relax. Set the tone, pay attention to your partner’s mood and body language, and when it’s time – you blow his mind.
Growing Pains
Now look, stepping outside of your comfort zone during sex can feel intimidating and can be outright terrifying; I get it. Whether you’re learning how to ride the D better, practicing your “hawk tuah” game, exploring new positions, or just trying to moan comfortably without overthinking, growing sexually takes confidence and intentionality. It’s perfectly normal to feel a little insecurity, especially when it comes to having sex. Use me for example; even as an intimate health and behavior coach, I fell in love with an older and more experienced partner, and the way this man touches and loves on me, I couldn’t help but think in the beginning “Am I enough?”. I SURE AM. Not to mention, I think this man is so fine, y’all. Lol.
In all seriousness, we are all human and go through the growing pains of learning not just our partner but also our own needs and desires. Take my word for it: when you choose to accept the full journey of intimacy, not just penetration, and push past your fear of judgment, that is when the magic happens. Your body will start responding in a way you wouldn’t have imagined. The more you open up, the greater the sex will be – trust me!
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Know Your Norm, Own Your Pleasure
As we’ve learned earlier, it is not your partner’s responsibility to be a mind reader. If you don’t know what gets you off, how can they? Take the time to learn your body intimately and to “know your norm.” Instead of expecting them to figure it out, I encourage you to explore yourself, experiment, and not be afraid to vocalize what you like and dislike. Remember, your voice is your power. Confidence and the key to great sex starts with knowing what makes you moan and knowing exactly how and what gets you there. Once you know what makes your toes curl and how to hit that spot, it would be a crime not to communicate that with your partner and even teach them.
There’s nothing sexier than someone who knows what they want and is not afraid to ask for it. Hold yourself accountable for your pleasure, own it, and watch how much more satisfying sex becomes for both of you. Also, let’s keep it real: our sexual preferences will constantly change and evolve with time. What turned you on a year ago may have changed, and that’s perfectly normal. Keep checking in with yourself, experimenting, and expanding what pleasure looks and feels like to you and your partner.
The Climax
The climax that I’m referring to isn’t just about an orgasm or getting yours; it’s about satisfaction and pleasure on every level. It’s not even the moment when your toes are curling, your body is shaking, one side of the bed sheets are wet, your breath is heavy, and fat ma is pulsating. It’s the moment you and your partner just lay there in the satisfying silence of knowing that you just BLEW EACH other MIND. It’s about feeling wanted, desired, seen, and entirely in tune with the person you share these intimate moments with.
At the end of the day, sex should be fun, freeing, and fulfilling. It should not always be about getting to the nut; instead, it’s a journey that should start outside the bedroom. The most incredible sex happens when both partners are honest, open, and completely in tune with one another. Whether you’re having a slow, romantic night or a quickie “I only have a few minutes” type of session, the goal is to make every moment count. So stay freaky, stay connected, and, most importantly, make sure you enjoy every second of the experience.
Defining Great Sex
Great sex is about more than the length of the session or how many times you can orgasm. It’s about chemistry, passion, and the build-up that makes the climax much sweeter. The best experiences happen when both partners are fully present, committed to giving and receiving in equal measure, and completely uninhibited. Whether you’re moaning or screaming each other’s names in the moment of intercourse or simply laughing and cracking jokes in between strokes, the best sex leaves you not just wanting each other physically but also mentally and emotionally and living in a state of bliss we’ve affectionately known as “de-lulu.”
I challenge you to take ownership of your experiences and get to know yourself on a more intimate level. No one can make you feel as good as you can make yourself feel. Remember, people’s opinions do not change your reality, so it is your responsibility to define and to know your norm.
Appreciate the journey, and I pray that you all find a love that leaves you speechless, touching yourself and texting each other dirty pictures the next day because you can’t wait to do it all over again. If you are looking for a space to learn without inhibitions, follow us at @knowyournorm on instagram.
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From luxurious candles that fill the room with warmth to thoughtful gadgets that keep the connection strong, these products are designed to enhance those intimate moments.
Courtesy of pexels.com A couple’s sex life is one of the most important aspects to a healthy successful relationship. The act blends the mind and the body — the physical and the emotional — into one. It brings people, especially those in a relationship built off of trust and love, closer together. Since sex plays such an essential role in love and marriage, the downs of sexual desire can be daunting. When the once highly anticipated act in a relationship becomes more of a responsibility, it can put a damper on the overall experience. However, it’s important to know that having a low sex drive at any given point is not abnormal. “A low sex drive is basically you do not have as much interest in sex as you may have once had, … so a low sex drive is relative to you and your experience,” says Dr. Donna Oriowo, a sex and relationship therapist. “There's always going to be ebbs and flows in the ways that we experience our sexual desire and our libido.” Related Articles: Been Married For Years and Hit a Sexual Plateau? Consider These Tips It’s Possible! I Rekindled My Sex Life in My 30-Year Relationship The Ultimate List of Intimacy-Boosting Products for Couples External factors, such as eating habits and stress levels, all contribute to the ebbs and flows of your sex drive. Oriowo tells Black Love that these factors play into sexual response cycles, specifically William Masters and Virginia Johnson four-stage linear model. From data they collected, they found that the four stages of human sexual response are excitement, plateau, orgasm and resolution. In 1979, Helen Kaplan took it a step further, adding desire as the first stage. Oriowo says that if people experience a successful cycle and a good resolution that will increase their desire and sex drive. However, when they have a poor experience, often influenced by those hidden external factors, it can contribute to the low sex drive. In agreement with Oriowo, licensed marriage and family therapist Rabiia Ali says that when it comes to sex, everything is connected. “When one part of it is off, everything can be off,” Ali tells Black Love. “If you are experiencing stressful situations, you may not have the capacity to be able to even feel sexual or physical sexual feelings, and that definitely could impact your sex drive.” The status of your mental, physical and emotional health outside of the bedroom impacts the experience you may have within it. If you are experiencing a low sex drive, these five things may be secretly interfering with your bedroom experience. Stress Courtesy of Canva.com Stress is prevalent in the Black community, with people reporting experiencing stress at a higher rate than their white counterparts. In today’s political and social climate, people are more stressed than ever. “One of the biggest things that goes into a low self sex drive is how we're feeling,” Oriowo tells Black Love. “Now, people are experiencing more stress than they have ever experienced before. It makes sense because people are having less sex than they have ever had before.” Low Self-Esteem The way that you feel about yourself plays a major role in your performance in the bedroom. With society’s unattainable beauty standards, it’s easy to put pressure on yourself to look a certain way. Sex requires you to be in your most vulnerable state with your partner. If you are not comfortable in your looks and your own skin, you can shy away from it. Low self-esteem and confidence may be the cause of your low sex drive. Diet The foods that you eat and the amount of water you consume plays a pivotal role in your sexual performance. Alcohol, along with other drugs, could also negatively impact your sex drive. “When clients are coming in and they're saying that they are not having strong orgasms, or they're not able to get erect, one of the first things I ask them about is their water consumption and their diets,” Oriowo says. “Eat what you normally eat, and add in foods that are high in antioxidants [and that] help with blood flow.” Courtesy of Unsplash.com Lack of Interest A good sexual experience combines an emotional connection with an intense physical attraction. If you have a lower sex drive with your partner, one reason could be that you are no longer interested in them. When the connection that you are experiencing with your partner is diminishing or is lost, it can be difficult to maintain an active sex life. Fatigue When you come home after a long day of work and complete all of your household chores, you may be exhausted. Without the proper amount of rest and relaxation, your body won’t be in the best position to perform in the bedroom. Make sure to get between seven and nine hours of sleep a night. Adults who sleep less than 7 hours may have more health issues, including low sex drive.
I am living testimony that 30 years into a relationship, the sex drive can be reignited.
